I Don’t Go For That…


So I got an email this morning that I had received a private message on one of the sites I used to use. I hadn’t been on there for awhile, so I was kinda intrigued as to what it said.

I should have left well enough alone:

Hey there how are you doing? So this may be random but I am a traveling salesman who covers the whole Midwest. I live in KC area, but I cover Iowa and Missouri and Illinois. Anyway, I am going to be the Des Moines area on Tuesday and Wednesday night. I think your gorgeous and I think you seem like a really cool and down to earth person. I travel alone so it can get lonely on the road. Again I will be traveling to the Des Moines area on Tuesday Feb. 28 and Wednesday Feb. 29th. I would love to see you. Please text me asap at 913-375-xxxx if you are interested. Derek.

Is it just me, or does he sound like he’s responding to a Craigslist “Casual Encounters” ad?

“It can get lonely on the road.” I’ll have to remember that line…

See? I don’t necessarily find these guys.. they somehow find me!

Should have listened


This post is a follow-up to this one, so make sure you read that first!

Well I think I was right all along. My gut was telling me he wasn’t interested, but I let myself get talked out of it. I need to listen to my instincts, seriously! They’re usually spot on.

So the Tuesday after our date (meaning, the very next day), everything seemed to be pretty good. I
sent my usual “Good morning!” text and we kinda went from there like normal. I wasn’t really getting a
reading from him on how things were between us so by lunch time, I just flat out asked, “So, what did
you think of last night? Are you interested in going out again sometime?” You all know me. I am a fan
of the direct approach! He texts back, “I wouldn’t mind going out again and seeing where this goes.”

So everything is fine on Tuesday. Wednesday, he’s a little quieter, no biggie. Work and he has fireman
stuff to do every Wednesday night. Thursday, I don’t get much of anything. Friday, I get a “morning”
response to my wake-up message, and that’s it all day. Saturday, nothing. Sunday, I text him, “Hey, you
interested in getting together sometime this week before you leave town?” He says, “Sure. Have the
inspection this week so I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.” Does he ever get back to me? Nope.
So Saturday morning, the morning he was getting ready for his vacation, I sent, “Have a safe, fun trip!”
and I got back, “Thanks!”

And that’s it. I’ve given up. If he wants to hang out, he has my number. But I have this sneaking suspicion he won’t call or text me. So.. there you have it. Ball in his court, I’ve put forth enough effort.

Onto the next one.. wherever he may be. (FYI, if you know, please drop me a line. I’m running out of places to look.)

AND.. I have no idea why the formatting on this post is all messed up, but there you go.

I have no f’n clue


All right, my dating life is seriously f’d up. I mean for real, folks.

So after the last crapass date that I had (the jackass who wouldn’t walk me to the door), I deactivated my online dating profiles and just said SCREW IT. I gave up on dating for awhile. I just couldn’t freaking take it any more of the disappointment, rejection and craziness. So a break was what I needed to sort of regroup and just CHILLAX. (I hate that fucking word, seriously.)

So a couple weeks ago, I reactivated one dating profile. ONE. I clicked on one match and he seemed like a pretty cool guy So I shot him a message. Here’s his rundown: 37, divorced, 15 y/o daughter that lives with her mother in AZ. He is originally from Boston, got a huge promotion a year ago to move here to Iowa, works for generally the same “company” I do, just a different dept. Based no his job, I can pretty accurately guesstimate that he makes good money. He’s also a PT fireman/EMT nights and weekends. He’s a pretty cool guy. Has a GREAT Boston accent, too. Love it.

Okay so we email for awhile and then he asks if he can text me because he can’t access his personal email as much as he would like to. No problem. So we start texting, an we’re both texting machines. And guess what? he spells out words! “you “are” “too” etc. OMG dying breed!! So he asks me out and the night he wants to go, I am busy with a friend. He’s totally cool with that. We keep texting, and a few days later he asks me out again. Again, I am busy. However, suddenly my Monday night (tonight) is free. So I ask if he’s available an he says most definately. So we set the date for tonight.

I tell him, though, that as weird as it sounds, I’d feel more comfortable going out with him if we could talk on the phone first. You can have chemistry with someone in texts and email because its really to write, more difficult to speak. And I want to make sure I can carry on a conversation with someone. He was totally cool with it, and we talked twice this past Sunday (yesterday). And omg, the conversation flowed so easily. And after each conversation, he’d send me a message that said something along the lines of “talking to you makes me smile, I really enjoyed it” etc etc. So after all this, needless to say, I was/am SUPER nervous about the date.

Flash forward to earlier tonight. We had been off and on texting during the day, no as much as normal because he had 5 hour + meetings, so he was busy most of the day. I texted him when I was on the way to our designated meeting place and he let me know he was in the process of leaving work. When I about 2 minutes away, I gave him a call.

Me: Hey, you there yet?
Him: I just pulled up. Where are you at?
Me: About 2 minutes away. I can actually see the place in the distance. Are you still in the parking lot?
Him: Yeah, I was getting out of the car when you called. But if you’re almost here, I’ll just wait for you.
Me: What kind of car do you drive?

He told me and I saw him and pulled into a parking space next to his. We both get out of the car and he immediately comes over and gives me a huge hug. He initiated. He said, “Its really great to finally me you.” I said, “Oh yeah, definately.” And we walk into the bar. He’s a little less peppy than normal because he just came off 2 days shifts and then an overnight at the fire station. He apparently had a bad meeting at work, too, and didn’t really feel like talking about it. Fine by me!

Okay, so he was good looking! I mean, really, totally my type. 6’3, had a shaved head, normally wears a goatee, but had it shaved off, awesome accent, a bigger guy (which I really go for). So I’m thinking okay yeah, this could be pretty cool.

So we sit down and we order a drink and he starts talking about work. I ask him how he ended up in the area from Boston. He starts giving me a run down and then starts talking to me explaining more in depth about his job, since I’m not familiar with it.

Now, the entire time, he’s not always looking right at me when he talks. His eyes kinda dart around to the side, to me, to the TV behind me. I’m not exactly sure if he’s nervous, not interested or just gets easily distracted. But its enough shiftiness that I notice it.

So we keep talking and he asks me how I ended up here from where I grew up and how I ended up with my new job. So I launch into that story, and it just kinda occurs to me that its all superficial stuff. Really safe things. Nothing personal.. a few flags go up. I was getting the feeling that he wasn’t really opening up because he wasn’t really interested. But, it was a little early in the night, so you never can tell this early on.

So we decide to have some dinner with our drinks, and we’re eating food when I ask about his daughter an his ex-wife. He tells me a little bit about them, and I tell him, “I feel like you’re getting all personal and I’m not..If you have anything you want to know about me, please feel free to ask.” He says, “Hmmm well I can’t think of anything I want to ask.” It was like WAH-WAAAAAAAAAAAH. Sooo okay he’s not interested about my life. Okay, well I’m slowly getting the hint.

We get to talking about his firefighting job and he tells me that pretty much this weekend, he is completely full with his work. Its the town festival and he has to be a part of the pancake breakfast, doing firehouse detail, etc. Then he mentions how he is going to be busy all next week, too because his regional manager is coming to do an inspection of his area. And THEN, after that, he lets me know he is going to Boston for 2 weeks to visit his folks and his daughter (who is visiting them for the summer), and around the 4th of July, he may end up in Maine for a 2 week training of a manager. I said, “Oh! So you’ll probably be gone until mid-July the, huh?” he said yeah.

So yeah, basically, he’s putting it out there that he’s going to be busy, so when he tells me he’s not ready to date because his schedule is so hectic.. it’ll let me down easy. I’ve been there before. I totally get that he’d rather do that then tell me that he’s not interested. Trying to be nice, whatever. So I pretty much accept it and deal with it. I mean it happens, right? People aren’t attracted to everyone, so it happens. No biggie. I’m disappointed, but not surprised.

So he gets to yawning a little, and I ask if he’s ready to go. He said yeah because of his 48 hours straight of work, he needed to stop off at the grocery store, grab some stuff for lunch tomorrow, then hit the hay. So we walk out, and we’re having that awkward conversation where like, you know that you want to get the fuck out of there, but how do you do it without seeming like an asshole? So we end up talking about our respective cars while the person next to me backs out.

Boring boring awkward boring.

So after the lady pulls out, I said, “Well, thank you for the dinner and drinks.”

Then, he leans in and gives me another huge hug and says, “You’re welcome. We definately need to go out again.”


I lean back, and look at him and go, “Really????” (Think of me saying: Fo’ realz, playa??? That’s how the “really” came out. No lie.)

He said, “Oh yeah. We’ll check our schedules and see what works out.”

I said, “Okay, will depend on your schedule it sounds like, since you’ve got a bunch going on the next month.”

He said, “Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, we’ll make something work.”

I am like.. still somewhat in shock. So I go, “Okay, well I can take you to a couple cool places downtown, or maybe an I-Cubs game or something.”

He said, “Sure, that sounds cool.”

I said, “Okay, well, I will talk to you later tonight, or if you’re asleep tomorrow sometime.”

He says, “Great, sounds good.”

We get into our cars and I am completely fucking baffled. BAFFLED. Every signal he was giving off during the date was NO INTERESTED. But then at the end, it was like he had a great time and wanted to do it again. WHAT THE HELL. I texted him, “Thanks again for dinner. It was unexpected and sweet.” He texts back, “Youre very welcome!”

Okay, so I have no fucking idea. Did he say we’d do something again just to get out of there unscathed? Was I reading his signals wrong? Maybe he was just nervous? I realize this will all come down to how he answers my texts tomorrow, or more to the point IF he answers them. I dunno, I may just ask him flat out if he wants to get together again or if he was just fucking around.

I’m so used to dates going really fucking amazing or really fucking in the toilet, so I am completely baffled by this one. BAFFLED. Again, I’ll prob figure it out tomorrow, but I had to write about it tonight because it was such a both side of the spectrum evening.


Major Date #Fail


I’m trying to figure out how much background to give on this guy. There really isn’t a ton, but these are what I consider to be the major highlights:

1) Prior to the story presented below, we had not had an official “date.” However, we did meet for lunch the prior Sunday (the 30th) for an hour, so we had met before
2) Keep in mind, while reading this, that some of the decisions I made are probably a little questionable
3) At no time, during the date, did I feel uncomfortable at what was going on. More humorous than anything. If I had felt uneasy, I would have booked it long before I did.
4) Also keep in mind: We met up at 6:30, and I was home by 10:15. All this happened in the span of less than 4 hours.

Okay, so here we go. This story goes from annoyingly amusing, to weirdly funny to downright mean. Its quite the span. Even for one of my dates.

So Mike and I were planning on having our second date (or first date, depending on how you define the lunch thing mentioned in #1 above) this past Tuesday. Dinner then a rousing game of Scrabble at his place. One of the many things we had in common were grandmothers who were obsessed with Scrabble and instilled a love of the game in us. Sounded like a great time to me. However, with Mother Nature being as weird as she is this winter, we had a major snowstorm on Tuesday night, so the date got postponed until Friday.
We agreed to meet at the restaurant (since it was halfway in-between both our houses) and then drive to his place for Scrabble afterwards. My awesomely protective cousin had me text both Mike’s phone number and address to her so she could know where I was that night.. (Love you, Heidi!) So I drive to the restaurant, and it is packed. There is not a place to park in the strip mall parking lot, or even in the adjacent parking lot. As I’m driving around the lot, I call Mike and let him know that it is completely full. He said, “Yeah, I see that, I’m here too. How about we drop your car off at my place and I’ll drive us to someplace else?” Okay, fine by me.

We get to his house, pull in, and he gets out of his jeep and lets me in the house. I had brought a bottle of wine with me to drink when we were at his place and I needed to put it in the fridge to chill. I said, “Well, you might as well give me the grand tour now,” so we proceeded to look around his house. He has a really nice house. 3 bedrooms, 3 full baths. We get upstairs and he shows me his room. I said, “Ahhh, so this is where the magic happens?” He said, “This is where the Scrabble magic will happen!” and points to his bed, where he has the Scrabble box sitting. I said, “Oh really?”

We head back downstairs and he says, “Do you want a drink first, before we head out?” I said, “Sure, why not?” So he opens the fridge and gets out this huge jug of pink lemonade and pours a glass. He hands it to me. “Try this, its amazing.” I do and its vodka lemonade. “Yes, but its *pink* lemonade,” he said. Because the color negates the fact it’s a drink that teenage girls have been getting sauced on for years… “Its not bad,” I said. He downs the rest of the glass and we head out.

We get into his jeep and he tells me that he has the perfect place he wants to go, Restaurant B. I have never heard of this place, but apparently its one of the best places in town and he wants to take me there. “Don’t worry, I’ll take you back to Restaurant A (the place we had originally planned to go) some other time.” Since I am a lover all food, I said, “Sounds good to me.” We drive to Restaurant B, find a spot right in front, and park. He comes over and opens my door for me and holds my hand as we’re walking across the street, since there are huge snowdrifts in the way. We get up to the door, he looks in and says, “Nope, too busy, let’s go someplace else.” I glance over and I don’t see people waiting in line, but the tables all appear to be full. “Are you sure?” I asked him. “Yep. Too busy.” So we plod back to the jeep, he opens my door for me, and we drive off.

“Well now where do you want to go?” he asks me. “I don’t care, I told you that I am letting you decide,” I say. He drives along in silence for a bit and then turns down one of the main drags in town. “Where are we going?” I asked. “You’ll see,” he said. We pull into Restaurant C, and he just drives through the lot and out the other side. “Too full. We’d have to wait forever,” he says. Since we’re near the south side of town, I said, “How about Restaurant D? They have great pizza.” He says, “We can drive by and see how it is.” We drive by and, yep, you guessed it, too full. At this point I am hungry and slightly annoyed. “You do realize that its almost 7:00 on a Friday, right? We’re going to have to wait wherever we go.” He says, “Not if we get take out.”

Me: I don’t want take out.
Him: Not like take out Chinese, but we can get it from Restaurant E of F.
Me: Still, I would prefer not to have take out.
Him: Why not?
Me: Because we’ll order it, wait around for it to be done, then have to drive it back to your place. If we eat there, when its done, we can just eat right away.
Him: Take out is faster.
Me: No its not.
Him: Yes it is.
Me: Seriously, when I plan on going out to eat, I want to go OUT to eat. I don’t want to pick it up and eat at home. If I had wanted to eat at home, then I would’ve just stayed in and not gone out at all.
Him: Well I want take out from Restaurant F.
Me: (sighing) Fine.
Him: Are you okay with that?
Me: I guess so. I just don’t really enjoy take out.
Him: Yeah, I know. Its only the 250th time you’ve said that. Getting all high maintenance on me.

So we head back to his place, and he orders pizza and salad from Restaurant F. I’m sort of blasé at this point about dinner. It was like arguing with a 3 year old kid. He had his mind made up and there was nothing I could do to change it, so I gave in. After he ordered, he poured another tall vodka lemonade and was downing it. “You’ll have to drive to go pick up the pizza,” he said. “Why,” I asked. “Because this is my 5th one of these tonight, and I usually don’t drink very much.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so then why start now?

So we get ready to leave and he decides he’s okay to drive. I honestly couldn’t see any signs of drunkenness, slurring words or anything, so I figured he was fibbing a bit on the drinking. Especially since the jug was still ¾ full. We go get the pizza, he parks and goes in. I am immediately on the phone with Heidi, relaying the story so far. “Its like arguing with a kid,” I said. “There’s no reasoning with him.”

He suddenly pops out, sans pizza, and I hang up on Heidi and roll down the window. “What’s up,” I ask. “Not ready yet?”

“No,” he says. “Just a couple more minutes though.”We sit there for a second, then he says, “You should kiss the guy who is leaning in your car right now.”

Now excuse me, I am not one to be bossed around, so I said, “Well this isn’t my car.” (OH SNAP)
He said, “Fine. You should kiss the guy who is leaning in your window right now.” So I leaned over and gave him a quick smooch on the lips. He seemed placated and went back inside. A couple minutes later, he comes back out with the pizza.

We drive back to his house and start getting stuff around in the kitchen. I open the bottle of wine I brought and pout myself a glass. He asks me if I need a plate or a fork. “Both,” I said. “Ohhhh getting all high maintenance on me again, are ya?” I just look at him and he says, “I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” he gathers up the stuff and starts leaving the kitchen. I said, “Where are you going?” He said, “Up to my room, so we can eat and play Scrabble.” I said, “Are you seriously going to make me play Scrabble in your room?” He said, “Yes. That’s where I have the best TV at.” So I give him a dubious look (I’m not really sure what sort of look that is, but I’ve always wanted to give someone a dubious look, so why not him?) and head up to his room.
Now, before I go any further, because you’ll need this for reference for a few upcoming tidbits, here is a horribly drawn floorplan of Mike’s bedroom:

Okay, so I am feeling a little better about the situation because its not like we’re sitting on the bed, or even touching one another. And yeah, he did have a better TV upstairs than downstairs. So no dubious look warranted.

So now we enter the weirdly funny part of the evening.

Prior to our meeting, we had talked on the phone quite a bit. One of the things that came up was smoking pot. I told him that I don’t mind if people smoke pot, some of my best friends do. I just don’t because of my job, and mainly because it doesn’t really interest me. However, I don’t care if anyone does it, just keep it away from me because I *hate* the smell of it. So Mike puts the pizza down on the bed and gets up to go into his bathroom. He opens the cabinet until the sink and pulls out this 18 inch bong. Seriously. It was large. He laughs and shows it to me. I said, “Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.” He then goes, “I gotta go to the bathroom, hang on.” He shuts the door and I immediately hear a bunch of gurgling noise. Yeah. He took a nice long hit. Great. Just… awesome. Two thumbs up. He walks out and looks at me and I said, “Had to use the bathroom, huh?” And he laughs and said, “Yeah, I know, but I know you hate the smell so I kept the door closed.” “Awww what a nice guy,” I say, not mentioning the minute he opened the bathroom door this huge waft of smoke/smell came out after him.

(And now that I am thinking about this, this totally explains why he wanted pizza for dinner!!! OMG!! Never thought about that til just now.)

We eat pizza and watch Tosh.0 (Great series, btw, everyone. If you haven’t ever seen it, Comedy Central.) I’m feeling okay. My glass of wine is almost gone, conversation is good, etc. So he asks me if I’m done and I said yes and he gathers up the boxes, my high-falutin’ plate and fork and takes them downstairs. He comes back up and asks me, “Would you mind setting up the Scrabble board? I’d like to get comfy.” I said, “No problem.” He was standing in his closet door and he starts taking his boots off. Now, he was still in his work clothes: t-shirt covered by a button up cotton dress shirt, nice jeans and boots. Okay, so he starts taking his boots off. I lean over and start putting together the board. I turn around to say something to him, and

He had boxers on, granted, but…


I blink and said, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think I’m going to run downstairs and get my bottle of wine and bring it up.” So I dash out. The funny thing is, I am trying hard not to giggle. Again, I in no way feel uneasy because he hasn’t advanced on me or anything. The thing going through my mind is, “Just when I think I’ve had it all happen to me…”

So I go downstairs and fire off some quicky text messages:

John: On a date.. At his place.. He sd he had to get comfy then TOOK HIS PANTS OFF

And I mentioned something about it on Facebook too, I believe.

So I dash back upstairs, bottle of wine in hand, and he now has on basketball shorts and a t-shirt. WHEW. Crisis averted for now. We commence with the Scrabble playing and I was worried that he’d be spelling all stupid sex words and everything, but honestly, it was a great game. I think I won by 15 or so. (Grandma would be proud.) After the game was over, he starts putting it away and I said, “What? You don’t want to play another game and get beaten again?” He said, “No, Scrabble is a game you only play once a day.” (See, I KNEW I needed to read the official rules one of these days.) He packs up the board, I pour my 3rd wine glass of the night (well, it was more of a mug, really) and he says, “I need to use the bathroom.” And again, gurgling. At this point I’m thinking, really dude? Why even pretend at this point? But I don’t say anything when he comes out, not even when I’m drenched in a cloud created from bong water droplets.

He asks if I want to watch a movie. I said, “Sure, why not?” (To give you a time reference, it was about 9:00 at this point.) He pats the bed next to him and says, “Come on over here.” I said, “Ummmm I dunno. I may just sit here and watch it.” He said, “Seriously, come on, I just want to snuggle while we watch the movie.”

Okay guys, how many times have women fallen for that when you’ve said it? I’m guessing about 100%. I always seem to.

So I hop up on the bed, and he’s behind me and we’re snuggling and watching Rambo. (And yes, the movie was my choice.. anyone who knows me well knows I love action movies with lots of violence.) His hands start rubbing my shoulders, back, etc and long story short (TOO LATE!): we start making out. Now, I’m not going to go into details on that, but a few things to mention:

1. He was an okay kisser is all. On a scale of 1-10, I’d give him maybe a 6.5. Soft lips, but his tongue work is best described as “Eh.”
2. I blame the fact the making out session started on the entire bottle of wine I consumed in less than an hour and a half.
3. He had the TV version of Rambo on his DVR. Seriously? The TV version?

So after about 20-30 minutes of making out, I sort of scoot away and say, “We gotta put the brakes on this. I can’t…” He looks at me and says, “Really?” And I said, “Yeah.” He lays there for a second and says, “Okay.” Then gets up and heads to the bathroom. Again, not to pee. (And I’m going to tell myself it was JUST a bong hit and not a cover up for something else… SICKOS.) He then comes back out and joins me back on the bed to keep watching the movie.

Now comes the downright mean part.

We’re laying there for 5-10 minutes, and he isn’t doing anything. Not talking to me, not assuming the snuggling position with me again, nothing. So based on his recreational activities, I wonder if he’s fallen asleep. I turn over and look at him and nope, he’s wide awake, staring at the TV. He looks at me and simply says, “What?”

I don’t say anything for a second because in my gut, I know what’s going on. But…

“Um… do you want me to leave or something?”
He says, “Yeah. Well no. I mean, only if you want to.”

I kinda nod and say, “Well, I guess I’ll leave then.” I’m taking some slow breaths at this point, trying not to get really pissed off and start yelling at him. I lean over and put my socks and my shoes back on. I stand up, grab my wine mug and turn around to look at him.

He says, “Do you want me to walk you to the door?”
I said, “Only if you want to.”
He pauses, then says, “Nah, I’m comfortable right here.”

I just stare at him for a second, then I start to walk out of the room. Now if those weren’t bad enough, the comment he made that hit me the hardest came next. He called out after me, “Hey. Could you go out through the front door? I don’t want to have to get up and shut the garage door again after you leave.”

I didn’t even dignify that with a response.

I’m walking down the dark hallway and he yells, “Do you need a lightswitch? There’s one at the top of the stairs.” I yell back, “No!” I go to the kitchen, put my wine mug in the sink, grab my purse and coat and head out the front door. I got into the car, started up and dialed Heidi. It was around 10:00. “You are never going to believe what he just did…”

Now this is the end of the date part of my blog post. What follows is my reaction to it and my feelings about myself and everything. So if you’re not into that aspect of it (and I don’t think its complainy) you can probably skip. Basically the previous part is the funny, this next part is the serious.

When I left his house, I was walking a fine line between being angry and crying my eyes out. I was so pissed off on so many levels. Up until that point, he had actually been a really decent guy. I never felt like he was going to try and pressure me to do anything I didn’t want to (and he actually didn’t..), so I never felt uncomfortable about spending so much time in his room. But the way he spoke and what he said, he was just so… upset that nothing progressed past the point it did, which made me realize he was expecting it all night long, he was just really good at hiding it. Again, in retrospect, I probably should have known that, being the setting we were in, but when a guy doesn’t try and put the moves on you prior to that, you get to thinking, “Okay, so he’s willing to take it at a slow pace. Awesome.” No, he wasn’t. I was pissed that someone of his age (39) would behave so childishly. I mean seriously, we were making out. There’s a pretty good chance, had we had another date, something more might have went down. You can’t wait a couple more days? But to turn and just get MEAN… I don’t GET it. So then you start second guessing EVERYTHING and wonder how long he had been just planning on trying to get a piece of ass. So then I start over-thinking everything and that pissed me off more, feeling like couldn’t trust my instincts any more.

But then the crying my eyes out part hit me. I honestly have not felt that low in a really long time. To be 100% honest with you, I felt worthless, I felt cheap and I felt completely disposable. I am the kind of person who has a pretty high self-esteem and it takes something pretty major to shoot holes in it. And this did. This did a lot. That’s probably why I was so upset about it afterwards.. the effect it had on me. I had something similar to this happen to me when I lived in the Quad Cities 10 years ago, but nothing since. Most of my horrible dating stories I can usually laugh off, and this one I can in certain parts, but not all of it. Just the way I was spoken to at the end, when I made a decision based on how I was feeling at the time, to made to feel like I was worthless.. that really hit me hard. I was still thinking about it the next day. I’m probably not even putting it into the right words, either.

I’m sort of at a point where I’m contemplating giving up. Or at least taking a break for awhile. As corny as it sounds, I think I may need time to recover from this. The problem I am having is I KNOW there are great guys out there. I KNOW there are ones that I would have a great relationship with. I can think of 3 off the top of my head. Problem is, 2 of the 3 are already taken, so completely off-limits unless their situation changes, and the 3rd doesn’t live close by. So I KNOW they exist. I just can’t seem to attract them. And again, now is where this hit to my self-esteem comes in. Maybe I’m not cute enough, maybe I talk too loud, maybe I say the word “fuck” too much, maybe I’m too opinionated, maybe I’m not girly enough, maybe the only great thing about me is my boobs. You know, at least when Dave and I were dating, granted he ended up screwing someone else, but at least he treated me great while we were together.

I don’t know.

Bye Bye Bachelor Number 1


So, quick update on the Blast From The Past guy.. The popular opinion is that I should just ignore him. I will do as the readers command! I haven’t emailed him back at all. (And a big THANK YOU to you all for not deciding on making me go on a date with him just for the story it would create. Although I know a certain SOMEONE *ahem* tried to skew the polls…)

Okay, so I decided to go on a date with Bachelor #1 last night. We had been texting for awhile and thought about meeting up a couple of times, but my schedule has been really hectic. And actually, I just got back from a business trip yesterday, but I agreed to dinner, because a girl’s gotta eat, right?

Yeah, I should have just kept canceling.

He was fairly short. I honestly might have been taller than he was, and I only stand 5’4. And his nails were filthy. Okay, I understand that blue collar guys make have a bit more rough hands, but seriously… they shouldn’t be black.

So we go to dinner and he’s quiet. Like dead quiet. And he keeps watching the Big 10 wrestling tournament on the TV over my shoulder. So much so, I actually turn around to see what he’s staring at. When we did have conversation, with one exception (which we’ll get to in a second), I started it and he pretty much responded with 1 word answers.

Me: So, what did you do today on your day off?
Him: Nothing.

Me: Any big plans for the weekend?
Him: Nope.

Me: So do you like wrestling? (Since he was watching it so much.)
Him: Kinda.
Me: What about basketball? (Since that was on the other TVs)
Him: Nah.
Me: Yeah, I’m more of a football fan.
Him: Me too. (Success! A 2 word answer!)

So when I finally got him talking, we had a really weird conversation.

Me: So you have 3 kids?
Him: Yep.
Me: How old are they?
Him: One is 18 and he lives in Missouri with his mother. I have 2 others, 9 and 5, and they live in Indianola (about 30 miles form here) with their mother.
Me: Oh, that’s not too far away. So do you get to see them often?
Me: Nope. Never.
Me: Oh.
(awkward silence)

The way he said “Nope. Never.” didn’t give me the sense that he was sad about it. It was more matter of fact. Almost like he was kinda ambivalent. Which was cemented in the next few sentences.

Him:Yeah, I pay, um… (he appeared to be counting in his head) about $325 a week in child support.
Me: Wow! That a bunch, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
Me: Yeah. Its a necessary evil.

Supporting your 3 kids is a necessary evil? Yeah, CHECK PLEASE.

So remember when I said he actually started one conversation? Here it comes.

Him: So you don’t have any kids?
Me: Nope, none.
Him: How’d that happen? Why not?
Me: Uhhh well.. just not interested in being a single mother, and I havent found the person I want to start a family with.
Him: So how soon are you looking to have kids?
Me: Well, considering I’m single, not anytime soon.
Him: That’s a relief!
Me: Hahahah (Because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Him: 3 kids and two marriages are enough for me. I’m not looking to get into either of them again.

So there ya go. I was a little concerned beforehand when I found out that he has no contact with any of his immediate family, too. Like, for Christmas, he went to a friend’s house. You never know a family’s situation, I mean maybe something horrible went wrong, but its still odd. Especially since I’m so close to mine. But whatever.

BYE BYE, Bachelor #1!!

Enter Bachelor #5. Now THIS ONE sounds like a winner. Seriously:

Bachelor #5
Location: About 2 hours away
Profession: Elementary Teacher and Coach
In his own words: I am most passionate about sports. I coach both football and baseball and love everything that goes into that profession. I think that sports can teach you a lot of life’s lessons including what hard work and determination can do for you. I love teaching and really try to make a difference in my students lives each day. I am outgoing, independent, family orientated, enjoys sports, and can get along with a wide range of people.
Pros (as I see them): Loves kids, has a strong family unit, and loves sports (and TALL! 6’7)
Cons (as I see them): Distance. BLAH! Plus he’s really cute, and it always makes me nervous when really cute guys appear to be interested in me. (I get nervous)

So there ya go. I’m eliminating them slowly.
Well adding, too.
I am going to have a revolving door for awhile.

Poll time!


All right, so I’ve gotten quite a few comments about my most recent post Blast From The Past . Most of them contain some form of the sentence “You totally need to email him back and fuck with him!”

So I’m going to leave it up to you guys… Fuck with him, or no?

You can vote anonymously.. and if you want to make comments on my Facebook or Twitter, feel free and I’ll add those votes in, too.

However, I have no desire to actually go on a date with him, so keep that in mind when you vote.

Edit: Also, we no longer work in the same place, so the odds of me ever running into him are slim to none.

Happy voting!!!

Blast from the past!!


Okay, this literally JUST happened to me like 15 minutes ago. Well, partially. This story is going to be probably 95% from 2005 and 5% from 2011. And that may be weird, but you’ll catch on here after a bit, I swear.

Okay, so 5 years ago (ironically almost to the DAY), I posted this on my old blog:

Could Only Happen to Nikki Story.
Gather round, little children, and hear a tale of near death, sex, stalking, angry parents, and saltine crackers.

So anyways, back when I was 20, I was celebrating New Years Eve at a friend’s house. She had a small get together, just a bunch of us dorking around, not doing much. After the party ended, at around 1:30 or so, I took off for home. I hadn’t been drinking, but the roads were icy & I was driving fairly fast. I misjudged an “S” curve and shot straight off of the road, and came within 6 inches of hitting this massive tree, head on. (I was so close to it, I couldn’t open my driver’s side door. The tree was pretty much right up against that door. Had I hit it head on, I don’t think I would’ve made it… so that’s my near death experience. But anyway..)

So I went home, shaken, and wide freaking awake. (Adrenaline will do that to you) So I hopped online, to my favorite BBS/Chat system: ISCA. Well there was a guy on ISCA that had started talking to me awhile back, who was also from Waterloo. (He was attending Iowa State at the time, which is about 90 minutes from Waterloo.) When I hopped online, he was on, too. He was telling me that he was back in town partying at a frat at the local college (UNI). So I was talking to him & told him what happened with the car. He immediately offered to come sit with me, since I was so shaken up. I told him no, to keep hanging out with his friends, I was okay.

Since we were in the same town, at the same time, we eventually met up later. Logistics don’t matter, but after a bit, things started progressing (as they so often do!), and we ended up on the floor, having sex. Let me tell you, by that age, I hadn’t had much experience with sex, but I could tell, he wasn’t very good. Ugh. For one thing, whenever I kissed him, even with tongue, my mouth went completely dry. Totally sucked of all moisture. It was like I had just eaten a whole pack of saltine crackers. And second, he kept wanting me to be on top. Fine, I have no problem doing that. However, when your bodies don’t fit together that way, you need to do something else. He was a BIG guy, and I mean BIG (defensive lineman in high school), and I am short. Short, short, short. So it was really difficult for me to… straddle him, because half the time, my knees wouldn’t even touch the floor, so it made it difficult. (Okay TMI, I know, but deal.) So anyways, it did absolutely nothing for me. Fine. Whatever. Sex was had. Good-bye.

So he left. I went home to bed. We continued to talk on ISCA for awhile after that. He kept telling me how cute he thought I was, how much he liked my body, we should hook up again sometime. Etc. etc. I kept putting him off. Nice guy, into me, just no desire to have sex with him ever again.

He admitted it to me later. Said he really missed me, wanted to see me, thought we could hook up again. (Apparently he thought the sex was a hell of a lot better than I did. What can I say? I am good.) I asked him how come he didn’t call to let me know he was in town. He said he didn’t want to call that late because he didn’t WANT TO WAKE UP MY FOLKS! So I bitch at him about scaring the shit out of me, getting me in trouble (my dad was convinced I had invited some guy over. Sorry dad, not that time anyways.) We kept talking back & forth for awhile, but then kinda faded out of touch.

Fast forward to YESTERDAY, about 7 years LATER…

I am surfing through the work classified ads. I notice that this person is selling a townhouse. I am glancing at all the perks to it when I notice the name of the seller. Its HIM. I KNOW it is. He has a common first name, but a very uncommon last name. Plus, this person (him) works for my company. And Waterloo is a HUGE “company” town. So I needed confirmation. So I take down his email & I email him from another one of my accounts:

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2005 9:49 AM
Subject: Totally random email….

Are you by any chance the Common Uncommon who graduated from West High School n Waterloo Iowa, in the mid 90’s?

His response:

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

Depends. Who is this & how did you get this email?

Which was like DING DING DING DING!

I write back:

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

My name is “Me” & we met awhile back in Waterloo. (like years ago) I saw your name on the work Classifieds (the townhouse you are selling), and your last name isn’t exactly common, so I figured I’d take a shot.

His response:

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

Well it is me and I think I remember meeting you. I just can’t remember where we met. Do you have a recent picture you can send of yourself?

What are you up to? Do you work for “the company”? If so what are you doing there?

Well then, upon reading his ad some more, I find out.. HE LIVES IN ANKENY! Which is like 10 miles North of here.

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

We met up through ISCA, actually.
And you wanted to come over to visit me when I was living with my folks… we met a couple nights later.
Ring any bells? =)

Yep. Work for “company”. Right now, working as {insert job}


From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

did you come over late at night one night and we were down in the basement fooling
around? I think I remember doing some very sexual stuff.

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

Yep. That was me.

PLEASE NOTE: This is the LAST EMAIL I have sent him. The rest are all unsolicited!!

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

If I also remember right you had very big beautiful breasts and you liked what I had to
offer as well.


From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

sorry if I’m sounding very sexual right now. it’s been a while and I’m usually
horny. I hope you don’t mind. If you do I understand. If you don’t you’d better
be ready for a lot of it.


From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

hey I need to go to work now. I’d like to talk more so if you want to you can text
me on my cell phone. It’s xxx-xxxx. I have to work till 3:30 am so you can message
me all night if you’d like. I hope to hear from you.

3 words: OH MY GOD

A few things:
1) OH MY FUCKING GOD! HAHAHAHAH I hyperventilated when I read all these emails from him. Apparently he has a totally different recollection than I do. BIG BEAUTIFUL BREASTS?!?!?!?! Okay, yeah, that's true. But I liked what he had? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! He was a little pee-wee. OMG

2) What the hell is his deal???? I called my sister & told her this story & she says, "Well maybe if you hadn't slept with him on the first date! Now he thinks you're easy!" HELLO! That was 8 YEARS ago! Give me some credit! I HAVE grown up a bit, ya know!!! I mean, who in their right mind would say those things, 5 emails into an email conversation with someone you havent talked to in EIGHT YEARS?!?!??!

3) I haven't decided if I want to tell him to piss off or to keep talking to him (non-sexually) for comedic value. Unfortunately, I think its the latter =D


In the immortal words of one of my good (male) friends: "I'm surprised you have lived this long."

No f'n shit.

That was FIVE YEARS AGO. Add that to the 7 years since I first saw him.. TWELVE YEARS. Keep that in mind.

Can you see where this is going???

I’ll let you all guess as to who sent me the following message 15 minutes ago:

I’m Sxxxxx. I saw your profile and really liked what I read. I was wondering if you’d like to talk and get to know each other. As you’ve probably seen I don’t have any pictures of myself shirtless. I’m trying to meet someone, not scare them away.

I am DYING, people. DYING.
He obviously doesn’t remember me NOW.
My boobs are sad. 😦


The Dating Game


So in spite of the weirdo that freaked out on me a couple week ago, I’ve been talking with a few other dudes. And surprisingly enough, they don’t seem like complete psychos. HOWEVER, as everyone has seen (hello, premise of my blog!), my judgment isn’t exactly spot on. That being said, I am going to list out the potential bachelors below, and let you all judge them prior to me actually going on dates.

Here goes:

Bachelor #1:
Location: Within 5 miles
Profession: Mechanic
In his own words: I am looking for an honest down to earth woman who likes to be treated right. I am very respectable and hope to find someone who I can share many great times with and be there when times are not so great. I am great with children as I have three of my own. They do not live with me, however I do take care of them.
Pros (as I see them): He always texts me “Good morning!” and always sends me a “How are you?” text on his dinner break (he works 2nd shift). I think that’s sweet!
Cons (as I see them): 3 kids is a lot to walk into…

Bachelor #2:
Location: Within 30 miles
Profession: Student (Healthcare Field)
In his own words: I’m truely a good person and a very nice guy. Although I’ve had my share of heartbreak, I’m still honest, compassionate, caring, attentive, focused, goal oriented, and I have a great sense of humor, so don’t be surprised if I cause you to laugh out loud at times. I know what I want out of life and am actively going after it. I work out often and enjoy traveling, picnicing, bbq’ing and just being outside. Now that it’s chilly out I’m always up for a good movie. Although quite busy at times, I’d really enjoy slowing down to spend time with a special someone.
Pros (as I see them): He seems very funny and very grounded. I like the fact he’s back in school at a later age. I did that, so I can understand what he’s going through.
Cons (as I see them): He isn’t the quickest on responding to emails. Not sure if its a lack of interest or time.

Bachelor #3:
Location: Within 100 miles
Profession: Chiropractor
In his own words: I am passionate about giving my time to better my community for the present and the future generations. Leisure time? Rare commodity in my world, but I enjoy working on the family farm when during the proper season, spending time with family, heading to the gym, and having good conversation in all kinds of environments
Pros (as I see them): A doctor? Well DUH! Plus I like that he seems to care about giving back. Shows he’s not a selfish douchebag. (or canoe, as my friends are now all saying!)
Cons (as I see them): The distance might be a problem, and lack of free time would be an issue (however, if we click, I would hope that free time would be made)

Bachelor #4:
Location: Within 175 miles
Profession: Law enforcement
In his own words: Honesty is very important. [I enjoy] Being outside at all types of sporting events. From kids to professional. Riding motorcycles and wheelers. Going to the woods to hunt or just take in all the beauty of nature.
Pros (as I see them): Law enforcement seems really interesting to me. Plus he likes sports. I LOVE sporting events, so having someone to share that with would be a plus.
Cons (as I see them): Again, the distance. Plus, he is 40, and I’m not sure if I’m willing to go that high in age. And he doesn’t have a picture posted, so that makes me a bit nervous.

So there you have it, as it stands now. I’ll be honest, I’m not like OMG OMG OMG about any of them. And I’m going to chalk that up to the fact that I haven’t talked to them very long and I’ve actually learned (ha ha!) not to jump to conclusions about anyone. So I think I’m starting to get cautious. (Oh no! Does that signal the end of freaky ass dates for my blog?? Yeah. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.)

So what do people think of these dudes? (And I didn’t post their pics for a reason… but all of them are good looking.. well except for #4, no idea on him.) I’m not committing to anything with any of them, but these are the 4 that have expressed more than a passing interest in me at the moment.

And who don’t know that I am a hideous “plan changer” yet!! Heheh.



Okay so there was a guy I met and was talking to a little bit last week and he seemed pretty cool. We had a decent chat. He was telling me that he’s tired of getting girl’s numbers and then finding out all they want is a friend they can talk to or text. He’s actually looking to get into a serious relationship. I said, hey, guess what, so am I! So he was asking when I was free, and I told him (I swear to God I told him this…) that I wasn’t free until next (this) Wednesday. I had plans all weekend long, every day, and had plans for Monday & Tuesday. He told me that he was hoping that I had the weekend free because he wanted to go to The Lumberyard with me, and its usually busier on the weekend. (The Lumberyard is a strip club here in town.)

I said, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
He says, “HAHAHA I’m just kidding!”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I decide to blow it off because some people DO have that sarcastic sense of humor (myself included). So we agree on Wednesday of the following week. I KNOW we agree on Wednesday…

So that was last Wednesday night. Seriously. LAST WEDNESDAY. Never heard from him again, so I figured, okay, whatever, no big loss right?


I get a text from him today.

And the texts that follow are word for word what was sent:

Him: Still on for tonight?

Me: You told me Weds becuz you travel early in the week for work.

Him: ummm other way around.

Me: I know I didn’t agree to tonite becuz I’ve had plans sched tonite for like 2 wks. I swear it was Weds. Hmmm where are u at? I could prob meet for 1 drink.

Him: wow…anyways…a suggestion to you..if you really don’t want to meet up with someone…then be straight up..dont lead them on..good luck being single..its going to be a long lonely life for you not being honest w ppl

WTF??? Seriously???

I wrote back: Dude, chill, I swear it was weds we made plans. My plans tonite aren’t until 6 so we could prob meet up for 1 drink

Him: I will be home then for xmas..i will be at lumberyard checking out nude chicks..i will meet you there

What a class act, eh?

Then he says: Just kidding. Let’s meet at “The Bar” for a drink then.

I agree. I seriously wanted to be home by like 5:00 but noooooooooooooooooo he wants to meet me at 4:30. Okay FINE, I can play along. I mean, up until today, every time we talked & stuff, it was cool.

So I show up at this dive ass bar. Like I honestly was nervous to be there by myself. And I am usually at home pretty much anyplace I go. No, this place was so skeevy. I took a stool at the end of the bar, ordered my Bud Light and waited. And waited. 4:30 came and went.

I texted my friend: Okay, he isnt here yet. How long do I give him before I leave? 1 more beer.

I get a text from him at 4:41: Hey… just looked in my atm and I really don’t have the funds in my account to drink.

Drinks were $2.00 people.

Me: Interesting. Well then I guess I’ll finish my beer and go home then.

I finish my beer and I just sit there for a minute. Like, I seriously cannot believe it. After all that…

Oh, but it gets better. Then I get:

Him: Andd the other part of it is im really not a big fan of plan changers…sketchy people.

Just let that sink in for a moment.

This is what I wrote: I explained what happened. It was a misunderstanding. If you dont believe it, thats your perogative, but I agreed to meet even tho i have plans, and I showed up. So just realize that. That Im here.

What I should have wrote: Listen assbag, I’m here and you’re not. So WHO is the plan changer? It must be nice living in this perfect world where everything goes your way all the time and where all the drinks are free because your broke ass can’t afford a $2 bottle. Its too bad I live in REALITY where dickbags like you have the pleasure of meeting awesomeness like me. A suggestion to you… if you’re not interested in meeting up with someone even after you’ve bitched them out for no absolute reason, at least be a man about it and admit that you’re nowhere good enough for me and are intimidated by the fact that I have my shit together and that you’ll never be anything more than a piece of cat shit that a dog has eaten and then thrown up.

But I didn’t because it was too long to type on my Blackberry keypad.