Monthly Archives: September 2009

Texts are worth a thousand words…


So I decided to post this horrific date story in 2 parts. This first part comprises soley of the text messages that were exchanged back and forth between me and my friends (and a couple by date dude) this past Tuesday night. The next post will fill in the blanks. And believe me, you’re going to want them filled in.


Parties involved:
Me: Me!
K: friend
N: friend
T: friend
M: friend
C: bartender friend who got me liquored up before I went (not liquored up enough)
B: My roomie
Date: Date guy

Starting time: 6:30. Well, we were supposed to meet at 6:30, but as you can see from the first text….

Me: He is going to be 30 min late. This does not bode well

Me: Omg theres a short mexican dude here. I hope its not him. Is that bad? He didnt look mexican. Tho mex guys love chix with big boobs…

Date: I here.

Me: Oh shit i think its the mex dude. He is texting me from the other side of the bar. What to do, what to do.

Me: Hes here eep

K: Run motherfucker run

Me: I am in the bathroom right now. Omg he keeps talking about what w have in common. Like what? Felony convictions? He seems nice, just too redneck for me

K: OMG I’m laughing my ass off in a subdued manner

Me: Apparently his bro just got out of prison yesterday

K: OMG do I need to call ur ass! Step away from the convict! Send me a pic of him

Me: He has beautiful eyes.. But too many prison tats. Scabs on his face.

K: Wtf. Srsly tell him ur cojoined twin has just broke up with her boyfriend and needs u home stat

Me: Ok so apparently his grandpa was a nazi. and his brother is hooked on valium

K: R u makin this shit up!?!?!????

N: Today is the 70 year anniversary of world war II. Sounds like a great family. HEIL!

N: Hooked on drugs? NOT something you admit on the first date

Me: No i swear

Me: I am so torn. He has prison tats and hates bon jovi. But he as pretty eyes and smells good. And he pees fast. Like so fast i cant send a text in the time hes gone

N: Meth addicted convict or nice smelling guy with great eyes. I can see the problem. NOT. Do not get on his bike. Whatever you do.

He just bought a hot tub for 2000 cash maybe he is loaded

K: I doubt that. Fake gold doesn’t mean he has $

K: Drug $

T: what does he do for a living?

N: Where does he work?

Me: His last girlfriend was 18

N: And he is how old? Run away!

T: run forest run

Me: I am in the bathroom right now. Omg hes really into me. Can you blame him? I have nice boobs. But argh i cant do this. PRISON TATS, PEOPLE.

K: I give up. R u gonna have sex with him?

T: How old is he?

Me: He is 33. He just went to pee. I am hoping to be out of here at 9. He pees like fucking capt america. Hes coming back already. Holy fuck

K: Holy fuck woman!!!! Ur a real live jerry springer episode.

K: U asked for this. He needs a sugar mama

Me: So apparently his convict brother wants me to set him up with friends of mine


T: I will hurt you sooooo bad

N: Oh that is hilarious

Me: So im siting here having a nice time and suddendly the words ‘mucus plugs’ comes up in conversation. Nice

Me: He just leaned his chin on my shoulder. Ack

Me: Ok so hes gettting mad that i madefriends w other ppl here. He went pee and isaid to them omg plz keep talking to me. This guy is so not my type

Me: Now they are buying me free drinks to help me cope. Yay!

B: i just lost my match. i played horribly

Me: Omg plz come down. I can get you free booze

Me: He just touched my face and called me angelcakes

K:*vomit* rly?

C: Angelcakes!

T: lol. so I guess that means the date is over.

Me: Omg he keeps touching me

B: Where are you at/going?

Me: Johnnys. Dude he fucking tried to kiss me. Get down here now

K: Just leave

Me: Nooo B is coming to rescue me. Freedrinks!

N: Good for B. Don’t drive crazy girl

Me: No he keeps trying to whisper in my ear

N: I believe it’s time to go then

T: tell him you need to go

K: Leave. Ur not one to take this shit.

K: No more dates on Tuesday

M: Well you made it past 9 so you can officially say you gave it a shot

After he left for home:

Date: I no this fisrt thing was week if u dont want me i understand

Oh yeah.. you’ll want to wait for the details.