So I decided to post this horrific date story in 2 parts. This first part comprises soley of the text messages that were exchanged back and forth between me and my friends (and a couple by date dude) this past Tuesday night. The next post will fill in the blanks. And believe me, you’re going to want them filled in.
C: bartender friend who got me liquored up before I went (not liquored up enough)
B: My roomie
Date: Date guy
Starting time: 6:30. Well, we were supposed to meet at 6:30, but as you can see from the first text….
Me: He is going to be 30 min late. This does not bode well
Me: Omg theres a short mexican dude here. I hope its not him. Is that bad? He didnt look mexican. Tho mex guys love chix with big boobs…
Date: I here.
Me: Oh shit i think its the mex dude. He is texting me from the other side of the bar. What to do, what to do.
Me: Hes here eep
K: Run motherfucker run
Me: I am in the bathroom right now. Omg he keeps talking about what w have in common. Like what? Felony convictions? He seems nice, just too redneck for me
K: OMG I’m laughing my ass off in a subdued manner
Me: Apparently his bro just got out of prison yesterday
K: OMG do I need to call ur ass! Step away from the convict! Send me a pic of him
Me: He has beautiful eyes.. But too many prison tats. Scabs on his face.
K: Wtf. Srsly tell him ur cojoined twin has just broke up with her boyfriend and needs u home stat
Me: Ok so apparently his grandpa was a nazi. and his brother is hooked on valium
K: R u makin this shit up!?!?!????
N: Today is the 70 year anniversary of world war II. Sounds like a great family. HEIL!
N: Hooked on drugs? NOT something you admit on the first date
Me: No i swear
Me: I am so torn. He has prison tats and hates bon jovi. But he as pretty eyes and smells good. And he pees fast. Like so fast i cant send a text in the time hes gone
N: Meth addicted convict or nice smelling guy with great eyes. I can see the problem. NOT. Do not get on his bike. Whatever you do.
Me: He just bought a hot tub for 2000 cash maybe he is loaded
K: I doubt that. Fake gold doesn’t mean he has $
K: Drug $
T: what does he do for a living?
N: Where does he work?
Me: His last girlfriend was 18
N: And he is how old? Run away!
T: run forest run
Me: I am in the bathroom right now. Omg hes really into me. Can you blame him? I have nice boobs. But argh i cant do this. PRISON TATS, PEOPLE.
K: I give up. R u gonna have sex with him?
T: How old is he?
Me: He is 33. He just went to pee. I am hoping to be out of here at 9. He pees like fucking capt america. Hes coming back already. Holy fuck
K: Holy fuck woman!!!! Ur a real live jerry springer episode.
K: U asked for this. He needs a sugar mama
Me: So apparently his convict brother wants me to set him up with friends of mine
K: NOT IT
T: I will hurt you sooooo bad
N: Oh that is hilarious
Me: So im siting here having a nice time and suddendly the words ‘mucus plugs’ comes up in conversation. Nice
Me: He just leaned his chin on my shoulder. Ack
Me: Ok so hes gettting mad that i madefriends w other ppl here. He went pee and isaid to them omg plz keep talking to me. This guy is so not my type
Me: Now they are buying me free drinks to help me cope. Yay!
B: i just lost my match. i played horribly
Me: Omg plz come down. I can get you free booze
Me: He just touched my face and called me angelcakes
T: lol. so I guess that means the date is over.
Me: Omg he keeps touching me
B: Where are you at/going?
Me: Johnnys. Dude he fucking tried to kiss me. Get down here now
K: Just leave
Me: Nooo B is coming to rescue me. Freedrinks!
N: Good for B. Don’t drive crazy girl
Me: No he keeps trying to whisper in my ear
N: I believe it’s time to go then
T: tell him you need to go
K: Leave. Ur not one to take this shit.
K: No more dates on Tuesday
M: Well you made it past 9 so you can officially say you gave it a shot
After he left for home:
Date: I no this fisrt thing was week if u dont want me i understand
Oh yeah.. you’ll want to wait for the details.