Blast from the past!!

Standard

Okay, this literally JUST happened to me like 15 minutes ago. Well, partially. This story is going to be probably 95% from 2005 and 5% from 2011. And that may be weird, but you’ll catch on here after a bit, I swear.

Okay, so 5 years ago (ironically almost to the DAY), I posted this on my old blog:

Could Only Happen to Nikki Story.
Gather round, little children, and hear a tale of near death, sex, stalking, angry parents, and saltine crackers.

So anyways, back when I was 20, I was celebrating New Years Eve at a friend’s house. She had a small get together, just a bunch of us dorking around, not doing much. After the party ended, at around 1:30 or so, I took off for home. I hadn’t been drinking, but the roads were icy & I was driving fairly fast. I misjudged an “S” curve and shot straight off of the road, and came within 6 inches of hitting this massive tree, head on. (I was so close to it, I couldn’t open my driver’s side door. The tree was pretty much right up against that door. Had I hit it head on, I don’t think I would’ve made it… so that’s my near death experience. But anyway..)

So I went home, shaken, and wide freaking awake. (Adrenaline will do that to you) So I hopped online, to my favorite BBS/Chat system: ISCA. Well there was a guy on ISCA that had started talking to me awhile back, who was also from Waterloo. (He was attending Iowa State at the time, which is about 90 minutes from Waterloo.) When I hopped online, he was on, too. He was telling me that he was back in town partying at a frat at the local college (UNI). So I was talking to him & told him what happened with the car. He immediately offered to come sit with me, since I was so shaken up. I told him no, to keep hanging out with his friends, I was okay.

Since we were in the same town, at the same time, we eventually met up later. Logistics don’t matter, but after a bit, things started progressing (as they so often do!), and we ended up on the floor, having sex. Let me tell you, by that age, I hadn’t had much experience with sex, but I could tell, he wasn’t very good. Ugh. For one thing, whenever I kissed him, even with tongue, my mouth went completely dry. Totally sucked of all moisture. It was like I had just eaten a whole pack of saltine crackers. And second, he kept wanting me to be on top. Fine, I have no problem doing that. However, when your bodies don’t fit together that way, you need to do something else. He was a BIG guy, and I mean BIG (defensive lineman in high school), and I am short. Short, short, short. So it was really difficult for me to… straddle him, because half the time, my knees wouldn’t even touch the floor, so it made it difficult. (Okay TMI, I know, but deal.) So anyways, it did absolutely nothing for me. Fine. Whatever. Sex was had. Good-bye.

So he left. I went home to bed. We continued to talk on ISCA for awhile after that. He kept telling me how cute he thought I was, how much he liked my body, we should hook up again sometime. Etc. etc. I kept putting him off. Nice guy, into me, just no desire to have sex with him ever again.

He admitted it to me later. Said he really missed me, wanted to see me, thought we could hook up again. (Apparently he thought the sex was a hell of a lot better than I did. What can I say? I am good.) I asked him how come he didn’t call to let me know he was in town. He said he didn’t want to call that late because he didn’t WANT TO WAKE UP MY FOLKS! So I bitch at him about scaring the shit out of me, getting me in trouble (my dad was convinced I had invited some guy over. Sorry dad, not that time anyways.) We kept talking back & forth for awhile, but then kinda faded out of touch.

Fast forward to YESTERDAY, about 7 years LATER…

I am surfing through the work classified ads. I notice that this person is selling a townhouse. I am glancing at all the perks to it when I notice the name of the seller. Its HIM. I KNOW it is. He has a common first name, but a very uncommon last name. Plus, this person (him) works for my company. And Waterloo is a HUGE “company” town. So I needed confirmation. So I take down his email & I email him from another one of my accounts:

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2005 9:49 AM
Subject: Totally random email….

Are you by any chance the Common Uncommon who graduated from West High School n Waterloo Iowa, in the mid 90’s?

His response:

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

Depends. Who is this & how did you get this email?

Which was like DING DING DING DING!

I write back:

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

My name is “Me” & we met awhile back in Waterloo. (like years ago) I saw your name on the work Classifieds (the townhouse you are selling), and your last name isn’t exactly common, so I figured I’d take a shot.

His response:

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

Well it is me and I think I remember meeting you. I just can’t remember where we met. Do you have a recent picture you can send of yourself?

What are you up to? Do you work for “the company”? If so what are you doing there?

Well then, upon reading his ad some more, I find out.. HE LIVES IN ANKENY! Which is like 10 miles North of here.

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

We met up through ISCA, actually.
And you wanted to come over to visit me when I was living with my folks… we met a couple nights later.
Ring any bells? =)

Yep. Work for “company”. Right now, working as {insert job}

You?

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

did you come over late at night one night and we were down in the basement fooling
around? I think I remember doing some very sexual stuff.

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

Yep. That was me.

PLEASE NOTE: This is the LAST EMAIL I have sent him. The rest are all unsolicited!!

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

If I also remember right you had very big beautiful breasts and you liked what I had to
offer as well.

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

sorry if I’m sounding very sexual right now. it’s been a while and I’m usually
horny. I hope you don’t mind. If you do I understand. If you don’t you’d better
be ready for a lot of it.

(HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!)

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

hey I need to go to work now. I’d like to talk more so if you want to you can text
me on my cell phone. It’s xxx-xxxx. I have to work till 3:30 am so you can message
me all night if you’d like. I hope to hear from you.

3 words: OH MY GOD

A few things:
1) OH MY FUCKING GOD! HAHAHAHAH I hyperventilated when I read all these emails from him. Apparently he has a totally different recollection than I do. BIG BEAUTIFUL BREASTS?!?!?!?! Okay, yeah, that's true. But I liked what he had? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! He was a little pee-wee. OMG

2) What the hell is his deal???? I called my sister & told her this story & she says, "Well maybe if you hadn't slept with him on the first date! Now he thinks you're easy!" HELLO! That was 8 YEARS ago! Give me some credit! I HAVE grown up a bit, ya know!!! I mean, who in their right mind would say those things, 5 emails into an email conversation with someone you havent talked to in EIGHT YEARS?!?!??!
OMG!

3) I haven't decided if I want to tell him to piss off or to keep talking to him (non-sexually) for comedic value. Unfortunately, I think its the latter =D

THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU JOURNAL READERS!

In the immortal words of one of my good (male) friends: "I'm surprised you have lived this long."

No f'n shit.

That was FIVE YEARS AGO. Add that to the 7 years since I first saw him.. TWELVE YEARS. Keep that in mind.

Can you see where this is going???

I’ll let you all guess as to who sent me the following message 15 minutes ago:

I’m Sxxxxx. I saw your profile and really liked what I read. I was wondering if you’d like to talk and get to know each other. As you’ve probably seen I don’t have any pictures of myself shirtless. I’m trying to meet someone, not scare them away.

I am DYING, people. DYING.
He obviously doesn’t remember me NOW.
My boobs are sad. 😦

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!

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3 responses »

  1. HAHA.

    HAHAHAHA.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    I remember that post from 5 years ago.

    I bet he will remember you eventually. Just remind him how well you liked what he’s got. =)

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