Blast from the past!!

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Okay, this literally JUST happened to me like 15 minutes ago. Well, partially. This story is going to be probably 95% from 2005 and 5% from 2011. And that may be weird, but you’ll catch on here after a bit, I swear.

Okay, so 5 years ago (ironically almost to the DAY), I posted this on my old blog:

Could Only Happen to Nikki Story.
Gather round, little children, and hear a tale of near death, sex, stalking, angry parents, and saltine crackers.

So anyways, back when I was 20, I was celebrating New Years Eve at a friend’s house. She had a small get together, just a bunch of us dorking around, not doing much. After the party ended, at around 1:30 or so, I took off for home. I hadn’t been drinking, but the roads were icy & I was driving fairly fast. I misjudged an “S” curve and shot straight off of the road, and came within 6 inches of hitting this massive tree, head on. (I was so close to it, I couldn’t open my driver’s side door. The tree was pretty much right up against that door. Had I hit it head on, I don’t think I would’ve made it… so that’s my near death experience. But anyway..)

So I went home, shaken, and wide freaking awake. (Adrenaline will do that to you) So I hopped online, to my favorite BBS/Chat system: ISCA. Well there was a guy on ISCA that had started talking to me awhile back, who was also from Waterloo. (He was attending Iowa State at the time, which is about 90 minutes from Waterloo.) When I hopped online, he was on, too. He was telling me that he was back in town partying at a frat at the local college (UNI). So I was talking to him & told him what happened with the car. He immediately offered to come sit with me, since I was so shaken up. I told him no, to keep hanging out with his friends, I was okay.

Since we were in the same town, at the same time, we eventually met up later. Logistics don’t matter, but after a bit, things started progressing (as they so often do!), and we ended up on the floor, having sex. Let me tell you, by that age, I hadn’t had much experience with sex, but I could tell, he wasn’t very good. Ugh. For one thing, whenever I kissed him, even with tongue, my mouth went completely dry. Totally sucked of all moisture. It was like I had just eaten a whole pack of saltine crackers. And second, he kept wanting me to be on top. Fine, I have no problem doing that. However, when your bodies don’t fit together that way, you need to do something else. He was a BIG guy, and I mean BIG (defensive lineman in high school), and I am short. Short, short, short. So it was really difficult for me to… straddle him, because half the time, my knees wouldn’t even touch the floor, so it made it difficult. (Okay TMI, I know, but deal.) So anyways, it did absolutely nothing for me. Fine. Whatever. Sex was had. Good-bye.

So he left. I went home to bed. We continued to talk on ISCA for awhile after that. He kept telling me how cute he thought I was, how much he liked my body, we should hook up again sometime. Etc. etc. I kept putting him off. Nice guy, into me, just no desire to have sex with him ever again.

He admitted it to me later. Said he really missed me, wanted to see me, thought we could hook up again. (Apparently he thought the sex was a hell of a lot better than I did. What can I say? I am good.) I asked him how come he didn’t call to let me know he was in town. He said he didn’t want to call that late because he didn’t WANT TO WAKE UP MY FOLKS! So I bitch at him about scaring the shit out of me, getting me in trouble (my dad was convinced I had invited some guy over. Sorry dad, not that time anyways.) We kept talking back & forth for awhile, but then kinda faded out of touch.

Fast forward to YESTERDAY, about 7 years LATER…

I am surfing through the work classified ads. I notice that this person is selling a townhouse. I am glancing at all the perks to it when I notice the name of the seller. Its HIM. I KNOW it is. He has a common first name, but a very uncommon last name. Plus, this person (him) works for my company. And Waterloo is a HUGE “company” town. So I needed confirmation. So I take down his email & I email him from another one of my accounts:

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2005 9:49 AM
Subject: Totally random email….

Are you by any chance the Common Uncommon who graduated from West High School n Waterloo Iowa, in the mid 90’s?

His response:

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

Depends. Who is this & how did you get this email?

Which was like DING DING DING DING!

I write back:

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

My name is “Me” & we met awhile back in Waterloo. (like years ago) I saw your name on the work Classifieds (the townhouse you are selling), and your last name isn’t exactly common, so I figured I’d take a shot.

His response:

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

Well it is me and I think I remember meeting you. I just can’t remember where we met. Do you have a recent picture you can send of yourself?

What are you up to? Do you work for “the company”? If so what are you doing there?

Well then, upon reading his ad some more, I find out.. HE LIVES IN ANKENY! Which is like 10 miles North of here.

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

We met up through ISCA, actually.
And you wanted to come over to visit me when I was living with my folks… we met a couple nights later.
Ring any bells? =)

Yep. Work for “company”. Right now, working as {insert job}

You?

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

did you come over late at night one night and we were down in the basement fooling
around? I think I remember doing some very sexual stuff.

From: Me
To: Bad Sex Guy

Yep. That was me.

PLEASE NOTE: This is the LAST EMAIL I have sent him. The rest are all unsolicited!!

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

If I also remember right you had very big beautiful breasts and you liked what I had to
offer as well.

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

sorry if I’m sounding very sexual right now. it’s been a while and I’m usually
horny. I hope you don’t mind. If you do I understand. If you don’t you’d better
be ready for a lot of it.

(HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!)

From: Bad Sex Guy
To: Me

hey I need to go to work now. I’d like to talk more so if you want to you can text
me on my cell phone. It’s xxx-xxxx. I have to work till 3:30 am so you can message
me all night if you’d like. I hope to hear from you.

3 words: OH MY GOD

A few things:
1) OH MY FUCKING GOD! HAHAHAHAH I hyperventilated when I read all these emails from him. Apparently he has a totally different recollection than I do. BIG BEAUTIFUL BREASTS?!?!?!?! Okay, yeah, that's true. But I liked what he had? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! He was a little pee-wee. OMG

2) What the hell is his deal???? I called my sister & told her this story & she says, "Well maybe if you hadn't slept with him on the first date! Now he thinks you're easy!" HELLO! That was 8 YEARS ago! Give me some credit! I HAVE grown up a bit, ya know!!! I mean, who in their right mind would say those things, 5 emails into an email conversation with someone you havent talked to in EIGHT YEARS?!?!??!
OMG!

3) I haven't decided if I want to tell him to piss off or to keep talking to him (non-sexually) for comedic value. Unfortunately, I think its the latter =D

THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU JOURNAL READERS!

In the immortal words of one of my good (male) friends: "I'm surprised you have lived this long."

No f'n shit.

That was FIVE YEARS AGO. Add that to the 7 years since I first saw him.. TWELVE YEARS. Keep that in mind.

Can you see where this is going???

I’ll let you all guess as to who sent me the following message 15 minutes ago:

I’m Sxxxxx. I saw your profile and really liked what I read. I was wondering if you’d like to talk and get to know each other. As you’ve probably seen I don’t have any pictures of myself shirtless. I’m trying to meet someone, not scare them away.

I am DYING, people. DYING.
He obviously doesn’t remember me NOW.
My boobs are sad. 😦

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!

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The Dating Game

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So in spite of the weirdo that freaked out on me a couple week ago, I’ve been talking with a few other dudes. And surprisingly enough, they don’t seem like complete psychos. HOWEVER, as everyone has seen (hello, premise of my blog!), my judgment isn’t exactly spot on. That being said, I am going to list out the potential bachelors below, and let you all judge them prior to me actually going on dates.

Here goes:

Bachelor #1:
Location: Within 5 miles
Profession: Mechanic
In his own words: I am looking for an honest down to earth woman who likes to be treated right. I am very respectable and hope to find someone who I can share many great times with and be there when times are not so great. I am great with children as I have three of my own. They do not live with me, however I do take care of them.
Pros (as I see them): He always texts me “Good morning!” and always sends me a “How are you?” text on his dinner break (he works 2nd shift). I think that’s sweet!
Cons (as I see them): 3 kids is a lot to walk into…

Bachelor #2:
Location: Within 30 miles
Profession: Student (Healthcare Field)
In his own words: I’m truely a good person and a very nice guy. Although I’ve had my share of heartbreak, I’m still honest, compassionate, caring, attentive, focused, goal oriented, and I have a great sense of humor, so don’t be surprised if I cause you to laugh out loud at times. I know what I want out of life and am actively going after it. I work out often and enjoy traveling, picnicing, bbq’ing and just being outside. Now that it’s chilly out I’m always up for a good movie. Although quite busy at times, I’d really enjoy slowing down to spend time with a special someone.
Pros (as I see them): He seems very funny and very grounded. I like the fact he’s back in school at a later age. I did that, so I can understand what he’s going through.
Cons (as I see them): He isn’t the quickest on responding to emails. Not sure if its a lack of interest or time.

Bachelor #3:
Location: Within 100 miles
Profession: Chiropractor
In his own words: I am passionate about giving my time to better my community for the present and the future generations. Leisure time? Rare commodity in my world, but I enjoy working on the family farm when during the proper season, spending time with family, heading to the gym, and having good conversation in all kinds of environments
Pros (as I see them): A doctor? Well DUH! Plus I like that he seems to care about giving back. Shows he’s not a selfish douchebag. (or canoe, as my friends are now all saying!)
Cons (as I see them): The distance might be a problem, and lack of free time would be an issue (however, if we click, I would hope that free time would be made)

Bachelor #4:
Location: Within 175 miles
Profession: Law enforcement
In his own words: Honesty is very important. [I enjoy] Being outside at all types of sporting events. From kids to professional. Riding motorcycles and wheelers. Going to the woods to hunt or just take in all the beauty of nature.
Pros (as I see them): Law enforcement seems really interesting to me. Plus he likes sports. I LOVE sporting events, so having someone to share that with would be a plus.
Cons (as I see them): Again, the distance. Plus, he is 40, and I’m not sure if I’m willing to go that high in age. And he doesn’t have a picture posted, so that makes me a bit nervous.

So there you have it, as it stands now. I’ll be honest, I’m not like OMG OMG OMG about any of them. And I’m going to chalk that up to the fact that I haven’t talked to them very long and I’ve actually learned (ha ha!) not to jump to conclusions about anyone. So I think I’m starting to get cautious. (Oh no! Does that signal the end of freaky ass dates for my blog?? Yeah. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.)

So what do people think of these dudes? (And I didn’t post their pics for a reason… but all of them are good looking.. well except for #4, no idea on him.) I’m not committing to anything with any of them, but these are the 4 that have expressed more than a passing interest in me at the moment.

And who don’t know that I am a hideous “plan changer” yet!! Heheh.

OMFG… FREAK

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Okay so there was a guy I met and was talking to a little bit last week and he seemed pretty cool. We had a decent chat. He was telling me that he’s tired of getting girl’s numbers and then finding out all they want is a friend they can talk to or text. He’s actually looking to get into a serious relationship. I said, hey, guess what, so am I! So he was asking when I was free, and I told him (I swear to God I told him this…) that I wasn’t free until next (this) Wednesday. I had plans all weekend long, every day, and had plans for Monday & Tuesday. He told me that he was hoping that I had the weekend free because he wanted to go to The Lumberyard with me, and its usually busier on the weekend. (The Lumberyard is a strip club here in town.)

I said, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
He says, “HAHAHA I’m just kidding!”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I decide to blow it off because some people DO have that sarcastic sense of humor (myself included). So we agree on Wednesday of the following week. I KNOW we agree on Wednesday…

So that was last Wednesday night. Seriously. LAST WEDNESDAY. Never heard from him again, so I figured, okay, whatever, no big loss right?

Wrong.

I get a text from him today.

And the texts that follow are word for word what was sent:

Him: Still on for tonight?

Me: You told me Weds becuz you travel early in the week for work.

Him: ummm other way around.

Me: I know I didn’t agree to tonite becuz I’ve had plans sched tonite for like 2 wks. I swear it was Weds. Hmmm where are u at? I could prob meet for 1 drink.

Him: wow…anyways…a suggestion to you..if you really don’t want to meet up with someone…then be straight up..dont lead them on..good luck being single..its going to be a long lonely life for you not being honest w ppl

WTF??? Seriously???

I wrote back: Dude, chill, I swear it was weds we made plans. My plans tonite aren’t until 6 so we could prob meet up for 1 drink

Him: I will be home then for xmas..i will be at lumberyard checking out nude chicks..i will meet you there

What a class act, eh?

Then he says: Just kidding. Let’s meet at “The Bar” for a drink then.

I agree. I seriously wanted to be home by like 5:00 but noooooooooooooooooo he wants to meet me at 4:30. Okay FINE, I can play along. I mean, up until today, every time we talked & stuff, it was cool.

So I show up at this dive ass bar. Like I honestly was nervous to be there by myself. And I am usually at home pretty much anyplace I go. No, this place was so skeevy. I took a stool at the end of the bar, ordered my Bud Light and waited. And waited. 4:30 came and went.

I texted my friend: Okay, he isnt here yet. How long do I give him before I leave? 1 more beer.

I get a text from him at 4:41: Hey… just looked in my atm and I really don’t have the funds in my account to drink.

Drinks were $2.00 people.

Me: Interesting. Well then I guess I’ll finish my beer and go home then.

I finish my beer and I just sit there for a minute. Like, I seriously cannot believe it. After all that…

Oh, but it gets better. Then I get:

Him: Andd the other part of it is im really not a big fan of plan changers…sketchy people.

Just let that sink in for a moment.

This is what I wrote: I explained what happened. It was a misunderstanding. If you dont believe it, thats your perogative, but I agreed to meet even tho i have plans, and I showed up. So just realize that. That Im here.

What I should have wrote: Listen assbag, I’m here and you’re not. So WHO is the plan changer? It must be nice living in this perfect world where everything goes your way all the time and where all the drinks are free because your broke ass can’t afford a $2 bottle. Its too bad I live in REALITY where dickbags like you have the pleasure of meeting awesomeness like me. A suggestion to you… if you’re not interested in meeting up with someone even after you’ve bitched them out for no absolute reason, at least be a man about it and admit that you’re nowhere good enough for me and are intimidated by the fact that I have my shit together and that you’ll never be anything more than a piece of cat shit that a dog has eaten and then thrown up.

But I didn’t because it was too long to type on my Blackberry keypad.

You oughta be in pictures!

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No real news to report (although I have a date pending on the horizon, so stay tuned!), so I thought I would hand out some advice to all the potential male online daters out there. Especially when it comes to pictures. People can say all the want about personality and sense of humor, but let’s be honest… if you’re not attracted to someone on some level, then there’s no way you’re going react in a “dating” setting. (This holds true for a bar scenario or online dating site) Friendship is totally different, mind you. We’re just focusing on relationships…

So, guys, seriously.. here are some major don’ts when it comes to posting pictures on your dating profile.

1) Random girl in your picture

Okay, look, I don’t care if she’s your sister, your cousin, your ex, your MOM… don’t post a picture with a chick in it. Especially if you’re all cozied up. No potential girlfriend wants to see that, trust me. Use some photoshop and cut her out, if you need to. And as for the bar over her eyes… you obviously don’t want us to see her, so WHY ARE YOU POSTING A PIC OF HER??

2) Shirtless pictures

For realz, playa? This is how you want to advertise yourself? Really? Pictures like this totally creep me out. So.. skeevy. I guess that’s the right word. I would imagine these are people who also post on Craigslist for “Casual Encounters.” It also tells me 3 things: 1) Okay, you’re built; 2) You’re a douchebag; 3) You think WAY too highly of yourself. And we all know that 2 + 3 > 1. Simple math, kids.

3) Picture doesn’t show your face

Ummmm… so you’ve signed up for a dating site and you’re trying to basically self yourself to people, and the best picture you can find of yourself is one that doesn’t show your face at ALL? Wtf? Okay, so you like to skydive, yay! And you can’t find the flash on your camera phone, yay? Looks aren’t everything, but when your purposely choose pics that don’t show your face, then um.. BIG RED FLAG!!!

4) Pictures that don’t show a person at ALL

Hi. Not interested in dating an electronic device. Some of us women do that now. That’s WHY WE’RE ON A DATING SITE, DUDE.

5) Pictures that are obviously 5+ years old

And remember 1992 guy:

I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that you don’t have a recent picture anywhere. And I’m also sorry that you looked better 5-10 years ago, but hey, most of us did, too. And guess why women are always disappointed when they meet you? BECAUSE YOU’RE A BIG FAT PICTURE LIAR! Now if I had a Delorian that went ran on 1.21 jiggawatts of power, then maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe we’d stand a chance. but sorry, man. I live in the NOW.

6) Finally, the WTF, THIS is the best you could come up with??? picture:

Enough said.

So there’s my profile picture tips. Eventually, I’ll give some profile writing tips, too. Everyone, feel free to add your own.. we’ve all been there, folks.

And wish me luck on my soon-to-be date. Right now its scheduled for a week from tonight (schedules don’t coincide until then…). WOOT!

Maybe single isn’t so bad?

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So I got an email saying I had a couple of messages pending on the dating site. I decided to take a gander, and seriously, the minute I read/saw them, I KNEW I had to share.

Here is the first, unedited email (well, minus phone number & email), from someone calling himself “Nice_Decent_Guy”:

hey how are you doing i am justin h***land 30/m/mason city iowa here you are very be661 uatiufl i am very intnerested in getting to know you better look me up on facebook for more pics nice_guy_*****@yahoo.com or text me or call me at 1-641-420-xxxx i am tired of games and tired of lieing and tired of getting cheated i am tired of being single and lonley andlooking for seroius relationship and looking for gf who is sweet and nicce like me for me i love kids and they love me i am very good with kids i am looking to settledown and start a family i want to be family man looking for girlfriend who is big family person very close to her family and want to have kids family i woulddo anything for you and yourn family i am good guy like that.

brown hair hazel eyes 5’7 weight is 210lbs muscler aveage single and looking for gf who is sweet and nice like me for me i am not interested just in sex i ndon’t go for looks i go for what inside the heart i am 30/m/mason city iowa here honest,kind,sweet,lovble,nice,cuddle,treat her like princess or queen ,treat her like she want to be treated,trustful,repectful.

hang out with friends criuse around party fishing hunting surfing camping swimming bowling shoot pool play guitar and sing i love dancing cuddling watching movies action movies horror movies comeyd movies romantic movies chick flicks soap opera lifetime movie network sad movie love stories hallmark movies christmas movie tear jerkers movies ufc fighting mma fighting boxing wwe wreslting tna wreslting ecw wreslting racing 4 wheeling mudding bondfires cookouts base ball hockey soccer wreslting basket ball foot ball and golf.

i listen to oldies 50’s 60’s 70’s 80’s 90’s country,modern music,rap,rock,po

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have NEVER been called “be661 uatiufl” before! OMG! HEART STAR FLOWER!

SERIOUSLY DUDE? FOR REALZ? Punctuation optional, apparently.
AND… His pictures. He sent a couple. Tell me if this looks like the same guy.

HE HAS ROLLED JEANS!!!! OMG!!!!

Onto the second email:

hi sexy hows you this sunday

I love being called sexy. But by this guy? Erm…. you make the call:

(By the way, he likes “Collecting.” Anyone ever seen the movie “Kiss The Girls”? YEAH)

I.. I don’t even know what to say.
How about this guy? he looks angry:

Uhhhh maybe I’m better off being single?

What happened with Dave

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“You make me dance like fool,
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee;
Just the thought of you can drive me wild…
Oh, you make me smile”
– “Smile,” Uncle Kracker

It was approximately 10:00am when my work phone rang. It was a local number, but I didn’t recognize it. “Where I Work, this is Me…”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU…” I immediately recognized Dave’s sleepy, craggly, deep voice and I started laughing. “You dork!”

“How is your 34th birthday going?” he asked.

“Better now! That was unexpected!”

“I thought I’d just call and surprise you and wish you a happy birthday.”

“Well thank you, that’s sweet. We still good for tonight, then?”

“Yeah, I was going to suggest cooking at your place, since I’m working north of you. It would just be easier for me to drive there after, instead of coming home and then coming back up to your place.”

“That’s fine with me. You know what time you’re planning on getting there?”

“No idea. Hopefully 6 or so. My dad’s going to watch the dogs tonight, so I don’t have to worry about letting them out or anything.”

“Okay, sounds good. Looking forward to it.”

“Me too. I gotta run, though.”

“Okay. Thanks for the call. Made my day.”

“Ha ha, you’re welcome. See you tonight.”

“Bye.”

*click*

Dave had promised me whatever I wanted for my birthday dinner, he was going to cook it all. I had chosen crab legs, and left the side dishes up to him. I’d never had someone actually steam crab legs for me, and I love the taste of them, so why not?

I was giddy to the point of bouncing in my seat. Things were going pretty well with us. He’d been a bit quieter than normal the prior weeks, but he explained it was the stress of dealing with his divorce and with business slowing down due to the economy. I completely understood. We actually decided to scale back some of our Thursday night dinners because of it. And honestly, I was really excited to see what he got me for a gift. He told me a week prior that he had the perfect gift for me. He saw it and just knew that I would love it. I was dying to see what he came up with. So far, 34 was starting off a LOT better than some previous years.

“One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.”
– “Viva La Vida,” Coldplay

I got a text from Dave at 12:36. “I have something that I need to tell you and you’re not going to like it, but I hope you’ll understand.”

I sat and stared at it. I just knew that meant something had come up and he wasn’t going to be able to make it tonight to make dinner. I took a deep breath. I texted back: “You’re not canceling on me, are you?”

I immediately go t a text back: “No, something else.”

I picked up the phone and called him. It was 12:38. I remember the time, clear as day, because I had a meeting scheduled at 1:00.

He answers. “Hello?”

I try to keep my voice light. “All right, what’s going on?”

There was a long silence on his end. With each second, the knot in my stomach grew larger and larger, and grabbed me tighter and tighter.

“Awwww man… I’m such a pussy.” He sighed. “I didn’t want to do this over text, but I was kinda hoping I could. Then you had to go and call…”

“What, Dave? Please tell me what’s going on?”

He sighed again. “Well, um, about 3 ½ weeks ago, I was down at ‘A Bar,’ having a drink and I ran into someone from my high school. We started talking and…” he trailed off. I was breathless. He finished the sentence in almost a whisper. “…and I think I just kinda want to just see her.”

I took a deep breath and tears came to my eyes. I almost threw up at my desk. My stomach was clenched so tight, I could barely breathe.

“I…” I couldn’t finish. I didn’t know what to say.

“I still want to come over and see you tonight. I want to make you dinner, and I want to give you your present.”

“You can keep your present.” I said. “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to give it to me.”

“No, no. I got it especially for you. I want you to have it. And I promised I would make you dinner, and I still want to.”

“You’re not obligated to any more.”

“I don’t feel obligated. I still want to come over if you’ll let me.”

I paused and sat there, still stunned. Was I having this conversation right now? Tears were actually streaming down my face. Yes, I was having this conversation. “On my birthday, really?”

He sighed. “The timing is terrible, I know. But I couldn’t wait another day.”

“But my birthday?” I whispered.

He didn’t say anything.

I sighed. Deep down, in my heart and my gut, I knew that if he came over, it would be the last time I ever saw him. I was wrestling with myself as to whether or not it would do more harm than good to see him. As much as it would hurt to see him go, I couldn’t let him get out of this by doing it over the phone. I needed him to see me, to see my face, to watch me cry, to see how he was hurting me.

“Okay, fine. You can come over.”

He said okay and I told him I had to hang up to go to a meeting. A 2 hour long meeting. Where I got to sit in a room with 12 other people and try to get myself composed. I failed. I was sniffling and wiping my eyes every 5 minutes. A couple people noticed but didn’t say anything. It honestly was the longest 2 hours of my life. I kept replaying everything that had gone on the past couple of weeks in my head. There was one glaringly obvious sign that I chose to ignore because up until that point, he’d given me no reason to doubt him or to be suspicious that anything else was going on. And no, I’m not going to go into detail as to what that glaringly obvious sign was. Its irrelevant.

The meeting got over and I walked up to my boss and asked him if I could leave an hour early. I told him it was a family crisis, and there was no way I’d be able to get anything done the last hour. He looked at me and said that was fine. I grabbed my purse, my jacket and left, heading home.

“I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do.”
– “Over and Over,” Nelly featuring Tim McGraw

I called my sister.

“Happy birthday!”

I sniffled. “Dave just dumped me.”

She paused. “What? You’re lying.”

“No, I’m dead serious.”

“What?! I can’t believe that! On your BIRTHDAY?!?”

My sister and brother in law had met up with Dave & I about a month prior. The 4 of us (and a friend of theirs) went out for dinner & drinks. We had an amazingly great time. My sister said he was really cool, he seemed really into me, was funny. Dave said that he loved hanging out with them. Found them funny and we had actually made plans to go visit them for a weekend in May.

She growled. “I think I still have his cellphone number in my phone. I should call him up and bitch his ass out.”

“No.. I’m going to do that tonight. He still wants to come over and cook me dinner for my birthday.”

“And you’re going to let him?!? WHY?!?!”

“Because I can’t let him break up with me over the phone.”

“Who cares? He’s an asshole! You should just ignore him and never talk to him again.”

“I can’t do that though.. I need to see him.”

“Why?”

“I… I don’t know. I can’t explain it. Probably because I know I’ll never see him again. I can’t just throw away 5 months in one night.”

“Why not? He did.”

“Seriously…”

“I am being serious. What a jerk.”

I sighed. I’m not sure if I ever loved my sister more than I did at that moment. She was so pissed off, so outraged that someone that I cared for that much had hurt me so badly. I was tempted to let her call him, but I knew it would make it worse. “Its fine. I’ll call you later about it.”

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything.”

I called Michelle, my best friend, and we talked for awhile. I was sitting on my couch, still talking to her, when Dave pulled up around 6:30. I heard him rumbling around outside, heard him come in the door. He was lugging a box up my stairs. My birthday present. “I have to go,” I told Michelle. “He’s here.”

“I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.” –Lloyd Dobbler, “Say Anything.”

I couldn’t look at him. I physically could not look him in the eyes. He put the box at the top of the stairs and I stared down at it. It was a cooler. Yes, THAT kind of cooler. That you keep beer in. “What is this?” I asked.

“Your gift,” he said. “I know how much you like to tailgate, so I thought you could take this along.”

“You can keep it, its fine. You don’t have to give it to me.”

The trust was, I didn’t WANT it. A fucking COOLER. THAT was my perfect gift? Its like he didn’t even know me at ALL. It meant nothing to me. Of all of the things he could have gotten, Christ. A COOLER.

“No, I want you to have it. I picked it out for you.”

It was just getting worse.

I sighed and said, “Okay,” and left the cooler where it was at the top of the stairs (and where it would remain for the next month and a half. I made sure to kick it everytime I came home. There’s a nice dent in the side of the box). I turned and walked into the kitchen so I could grab a recipe on the counter that I was planning on making that night. He wasn’t saying anything and neither was I.

I then walked to the end table to pick up my keys. We still hadn’t made eye contact. I couldn’t look at him. “Um.. okay.. we uh need to go to the store and get a couple things quick…” I stopped and took a deep breath, trying not to cry.

He came up behind me and said softly, “Hey, hey, hey…” and put his arms around me and hugged me from behind.

I shrugged him off and said, “Please don’t touch me right now. If you do that I’m going to start crying and I don’t want go into the grocery store looking like that.”

Even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew that hurt him when I heard the “Okay” that he mumbled.

We went to the store and all we did was walk around. He tried to converse, but I just whispered one or two word answers. I had no desire to be there right now. But I couldn’t tell him to fuck off and get out of my life, either. Not yet.

We drove back to my place. I unpacked the bags on the counter and he sat down at the kitchen table and just looked at me. Finally I got the courage to look up at him. And the tears finally came.

“It’s no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow
I can’t believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise.”
– “No Surprise,” Daughtry

As great as I am at remembering conversations, this one, I’ll be honest, I only remember snippits of. I apologize if this comes across as disjointed, but for obvious reasons, my recollection of the whole thing is cloudy.

“I’m really sorry.”
“But my birthday, Dave? Seriously? My fucking birthday?!?”
“Its bad timing, I know. My sister even told me not to do it on your birthday.”
“Your SISTER? You talked to your sister about this???”
“Yes. I needed some advice on what to do.”
“So you decided to completely ignore her advice then? My BIRTHDAY?!? Why couldn’t you have waited until tomorrow? Or next week or something?!”
“Because I didn’t want you to look back on your birthday and think that this was all a lie.”
“Oh, like this is so much better.”
“Well what do you want me to do?”
“I DON’T KNOW!”

And then…
“This isn’t easy for me either, knowing that I’ve hurt you as much as I have with this.”
“Really? Because it seems pretty easy on your end from where I’m standing.”
“Seriously, if I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have totally broken it off in that text message and deleted your number and not looked back. But I care a lot about you, and that’s why I wanted to come here tonight. To not run away from this.”

I wanted to ask him WHY.. WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY!!!!!!!! What every girl wants to know: Why HER AND NOT ME. WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME AND SO RIGHT WITH HER?!?!?!?!? But the thought of him telling me how wonderful she is made me sick to my stomach and so I didn’t WANT to know. I wanted him to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, that if he could be with me he would be, but he had to donate her a kidney or something and so he was obligated to be with her. Even if it wasn’t the truth, that’s what I wanted to hear.

“I can’t explain what happened. We just started talking at the bar one night, exchanged numbers and have been talking and texting non-stop and.. I want to see where this goes.”

I wanted to put my hands over my ears and scream ENOUGHENOUGHENOUGHENOUGH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TALKING ABOUT HER. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ALL THIS!!!! I also wanted to tell him, “Funny, that’s EXACTLY how you and I started out. That’s how the first 3 months of OUR relationship was, too.”

But I didn’t.

Then I get…

“I KNEW you were getting too attached to me. I warned you not to get attached.”
“Well you got attached to me, too! You even said so yourself!”
Hello, ASS… you JUST got done telling me how much you care about me and THAT’S why you came over instead of breaking up with me over the phone. I wanted to yell HOW DARE YOU USE MY FEELINGS FOR YOU AGAINST ME.. AS AN EASY WAY OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

I said, “How was I getting too attached?”
“Things you said, things you did.. it made me realize that you had deeper feelings for me than you were telling me.”
“Give me an example.”
“I can’t.”
ARGH! “Well then I don’t see how you can say that about me.”
“I see you 2-3 times a week. That’s more than I see my family or any of my other friends. I spend a lot of time with you.”
“So what? Its not like you couldn’t say ‘No, I don’t want to hang out tonight.’ We’ve had plans fall through before. Did I get upset or anything?”
“No.”
“Well then? I don’t get how that matters? If you didn’t want to hang out with me, you should have SAID so.”
“But I DID want to hang out with you.. its just that I’m not used to seeing someone that much.”
“So WHAT IS THE ISSUE THEN?”
“You are just way more into me than you are letting on. You’re not being honest with me about your feelings.”
“What are you talking about? Anytime you’ve asked me how I feel about you, I’ve always answered you honestly.”
“You told me that in 6 months, if this doesn’t work out, then you’re fine with that.”
“Yeah, I meant if the 2 of us dating doesn’t work out, then hey, we gave it a shot. I didn’t mean because you’d be seeing someone else on the side. Besides, its not even that.. Okay, fine, so you’re not as interested in me as you were. I get that, that happens. That’s not the whole reason I am upset.”
“You’re upset because we can’t do this anymore. Because we can’t do our dinners anymore.”
“YES. Because we’ve had such a great time together. THIS is what I look forward to every week.”
“Me too! We can still do this.. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable without having her there, though.”

I just stared at him. I wanted to punch him in the face right then.

And then…
“We can still be friends after this. That’s what I want. Its why I’m here.”
I laughed out loud. “No we can’t.”
“Why not? Yes we can, unless you don’t want to.”
“Oh I would want to, I can’t imagine you NOT being in my life, but your new girlfriend won’t allow it.”
“Why wouldn’t she?”
“Because I’ve been through all this before with my roommate. She will not let you be friends with, or hang out with someone you’ve dated, who is now single. There is no way.”
“Do you really think I am the kind of person who would date someone who dictated to me who I could and couldn’t hang out with? No. I will not allow her to dictate who my friends are.”
“It doesn’t matter. She will. And you’ll allow it.”
“We can still hang out, like meet up with friends at a bar or something.”
“When do we EVER do that now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Whatever, Dave. I don’t think you realize how much this is hurting me. Do you understand that in one fell swoop, I lost a relationship and a friendship that meant so much to me, when I didn’t even know it was in trouble? Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

Sometime in the midst of all of this, we ate dinner. Well, he did. I just picked at it.

Then we ended up on the couch, talking. I finally allowed him to hug me while I was crying. It wasn’t comforting at all. Again, I knew it was the last time I would see him.

“How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave…
Take a look at me now,
”Cause there’s just an empty space.
There’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face.”
– “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins

He left around 11. As I walked him down the stairs, he said, “Promise me you’ll text me tomorrow morning?”
I shrugged.

“I’m going to be really upset if you don’t talk to me tomorrow.” Again, trying to keep up the friend façade.
I said, “Sure.” I sat down on the stairs and watched him put on his shoes. He then looked at me, really looked at me, and winced. He had emotion behind those eyes.

He leaned over and gave me a huge hug. And then he whispered something in my ear that stabbed me in the gut more than anything else he said that night.

“Please have faith in me.”

And I knew right then, I didn’t.

I have to stop writing this now, because I’m really getting worked up over this, even 7 months later. There’s a bit more to the story (kind of), and I didn’t exactly get all my thoughts about it out. That’ll come in a later post. I can’t do it right now.

And one last thing, please no “What a fucking asshole” comments, please. Its not what I’m trying to get out of this post. Yes, he did a shitty thing, but I don’t necessarily believe he was a shitty guy. So keep that in mind with what you say.

What a girl wants…

Standard

The other night, my roommate and I were discussing the fact that one of my cats, Gus, was diagnosed with Chlamydia… in his eye. (Don’t ask the obvious question, please. I don’t know the answer, I swear.)

Me: Well, ya know, at least its one of those diseases that can be cured.

Roomie: True.

Me: Maybe I should put that on my dating list. I’m getting to that point.

Roomie: What? Someone who has The Clap?

Me: No, someone who has a cureable STD.

Roomie: Ohh.. so like, “Its okay if you have an STD, so long as its cureable?”

Me: Right. Like Chlamydia… or syphilis… or crabs.

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out what type of guy I’m attracted to. Most people seem to think it’s a pretty easy thing to identify, but I’ve found out lately, for me, it’s a mixed bag. I thought I knew what I want, what type I went after most, until I started dating Dave. (I still haven’t blogged about what happened with the 2 of us, have I? I don’t know if I have the heart to do it…) Dave was sort of my “outside the box” guy. I had never dated someone like him… blue collar (plumber), shorter (he was 5’10), really buff and fit (he lifted a bunch), HOT (any female who met him can attest to that…), there were some great personality quirks he had that its hard to write in detail about… anyways, just a bunch of things that I had never experienced before. And the one thing I left our relationship with (besides a broken heart on my birthday) was a better sense of knowing the kind of guy I want to end up with. That’s one thing Dave taught me that I will be forever grateful for.

So anyways, let’s start with 3 lists. One list of non-negotiables, one list of negotiables, and one list of “wishful thinking.”

Non-negotiables:
1) Born a male. Okay, I threw that in just to be a pain in the ass.
2) He can’t be shy & quiet. Anyone who knows me knows how out-going and talkative I am. While I am usually able to pull a conversation out of anyone, I can’t do it all the time. I like someone who has no problem integrating himself with my friends and family. Someone who stands off to the side and just kinda sits there because he doesn’t know anyone ends up boring me.
3) Smart. I like conversation. I like witty banter back and forth. I like someone who knows his shit. We don’t have to agree, we don’t have to have the same political views, but he has to at least know something about the world.
4) Funny. I love to laugh. And I would like to think I’m a pretty funny gal. (My dear friends, please feel free to chime in!) I want someone who can make me bust out laughing with a stupid joke or a funny look, or even a sarcastic comment. This goes with the witty banter thing above.
5) Stable. Financially stable, mentally stable. I realize people have baggage, but I don’t want anything that’s insurmountable. At this point/age in our lives (mid-30’s), you should have your shit figured out. If you don’t know where you’re going by now, then the odds of you figuring it out soon are pretty slim, in my opinion. Actually, I suppose that would fall under:
6) Ambitious. And I’m not talking in a Gordon Gekko kind of way. I’m talking about, again, someone who knows what they want to do and how to get there. It could be something as simple as “I want to take a 2 week long backpacking trip to Europe.” Great! What’s our plan to make it happen? That sort of thing. People who are apathetic are… erm… boring.
7) Likes sports. This is so stupid, but I am a football FREAK. And I can’t be with someone who has no interest in sports whatsoever. You don’t have to have a favorite team in all the professional sports, but don’t scoff just because I do. And get excited and see the fun in a Super Bowl party. That sort of thing.

And honestly, I think that’s it for my non-negotiables. So, onto

Negotiables:
1) Height. I used to only be attracted to really tall guys. (I’m 5’4, and I’m talking 6’0+). However, Dave was 5’10, and well, height isn’t as important as I thought it was, I guess. I don’t think I could date a “little person” though. So maybe that should go up in my non-negotiables?
2) Weight/body type. This is probably going to be backwards of what people normally think. Hahah. I used to just be attracted to more.. portly guys. Think Kevin James type. I just liked bigger guys. Dave was slimmer, very fit… I think its because I never thought someone who looked like that could be attracted to me, so I never bothered trying to find out if I were attracted to them. WELL GUESS WHAT… So I guess my standard here is, so long as you can leave your house via your own 2 feet instead of a scooter, then you probably stand a wee bit of a shot.
3) Profession. I’ve dated them all: IT Guy. Lawyer. Bar owner. Plumber. Just HAVE a job or some sort.
4) Children. I love kids. I’m at that place where yes, I would like to have my own children, however, I’m not going to feel unfulfilled if I don’t. And I’m realistic enough to know that the likelihood of finding someone in their early 30’s like myself, without children, is going to be rare. I’m totally fine with that if they are.
5) Pets. Okay so he doesn’t have to LOVE cats, but he has to at least not despise them. Because for better or worse, I have two. Phoebe and Gus, The Chlamydia Kid. And my folks have a dog. So, there ya go.

I am most likely forgetting some things, but these are the biggies that seem to pop up. Onto my “Wishful Thinking” list. This is the list that girls make in their notebooks, circa 8th grade, about their ideal boyfriend. If I could, I’d draw little hearts around everything. These are basically things that make me go “awwww.” And if the guy doesn’t possess them, its not deal-breakers. They are just those things that make your heart melt a little more than it normally would. So here goes:

Wishful Thinking:
1) Kisses me on my forehead and/or the tip of my nose. I melt when that happens. EM-EE-EL-TEE. Melt.
2) Calls me “kid” or “kiddo.” I have no idea why I find that so endearing. Its almost embarrassing. NEXT!
3) Tattoos. I have a thing for tattoos. It honestly started the first time I watched “From Dusk Til Dawn,” and George Clooney has that tattoo up his arm. Rowr! Ever since, I have always loved tattoos. Like LOVED LOVED.
4) Someone who doesn’t mind karaoke, and who wouldn’t be afraid to sing it once in awhile. Just don’t HATE it to the point that you’ll never go out to a karaoke bar with me. Please! I’m pretty good, I swear!
5) Someone who can cook and who loves to be adventurous with eating. There’s nothing more manly than a guy who can cook. I love sharing a kitchen with someone who can cook or someone who enjoys trying new types of foods. Fearless = hot.
6) Remembers that I love yellow and orange roses.
7) Gives me stupid cards at random times.
#8) Enjoys video games. I can spend an entire day sitting on the couch and playing Xbox. Its one of my geeky qualities!
9) Plays board games and cards. Do you know euchre? OMG even better!

So there’s a start. My friends could probably fill in some gaps for me. I’m sure there are things that you guys know about me that I have left out. Feel free to add some in.
So now I have to figure out where this guy exists, where to start looking. I’ve been blasé about dating every since the Craig incidents (and yes, he still texts me randomly sometimes…), and since my surgery, and I need to get back on the horse. Erm. So to speak. I need a different plan of attack. So feel free to add in a couple of those ideas, too. I need all the help I can get. If I didn’t, this blog wouldn’t exist.

Then again, so many of you have expressed disappointment when a car-crash story (i.e. Craig) comes to an end, I’m beginning to wonder if ya’ll would purposely sabotage me just for a good story. Heheh.

More posts coming soon!!!