I have no idea how I flirt. I know how TO flirt, but I have no clue how good at it am. Apparently not well. My idea of flirting with someone is to basically start up a conversation with them in a non-threatening type of way, not even with the intent of it turning into anything. Something simple like striking up a conversation with someone at the bar, or with the bartender, etc. And go from there. Or to just stand and have a one on one conversation with someone, just for like 15 minutes, sharing stories, laughing, etc. This has made me a lot of friends in the past, and has developed into something more 2 times, but otherwise it hasn’t gone much further.
I mean, I think people can tell when I’m flirting with them right? How do you know? I’m totally obvious about it, I think. Who knows.
So a couple weeks ago, my friend Amy asked me if I would want to come with her to a co-workers wedding. I didn’t have anything going on, and I figured free catering! so I said “Sure, why not?”
The wedding was on a Saturday night and it was pretty warm, so I wore this v-neck sundress that I have. It was cut pretty low, so much so that I (ME! YES ME!) thought that it might be a bit too low-cut for the wedding, and brought a wrap. But hey, Wedding Crashers, right? Meeting someone at a wedding wasn’t toally outta the question.
We arrive at the wedding and take a seat in the church. We’re kinda talking and I’m catching a glimpse of the groom and the groomsmen in the little room off to the side. I nudge my friend Amy and point out this one guy that I thought was cute. He was tall, had dark hair, goatee, was really cute in a dorky kinda way. I asked who he was. Amy says, “I don’t know.” I said jokingly, “Well hopefully it isn’t the groom!” She says, “I don’t know that either.” Apparently she’d never met the groom before haha.
So the wedding starts and WHEW! the cute guy isn’t the groom. He’s the best man. First crises averted! I turn and whisper (apparently quite loudly because Amy shushed me), “I can’t see his left hand!” He had it folded under the right one, so I was unable to do the standard SGRC. (Single Girl Ring Check). I kept trying to peek at his hand the entire time and Amy kept nudging me, trying not to laugh. Finally, when they were turning to watch the lighting of the candle, I could see his hand. WAHOO! No ring!!
Amy noticed too, because she leaned over and whispered, “Well, he’s not married!” I did a little dance in my seat. By this time I had pretty much decided to go for it. I mean, picking up someone at a wedding wasn’t something I had ever done before, but I’m all about trying new things and the shit I had tried before didn’t work, so why not?
As we’re waking to the reception, I tell Amy, “Okay, the next step is to see if he has a date to the wedding. If he has no date, then he is definately single.” Amy agreed, and I think she was pretty amusing by my constant analysis of the situation. So we end up at the reception hall pretty early, and select a seat at a table a few back from the head table, and 2 tables from the bar. Upon finding out there was a free keg, I told Amy that I needed a few drinks, but then I would definately make my move. I had no idea what my move was, but by God, I was going to make it.
So we’re sitting there eating dinner, and I keep throwing glances his way. And I was totally not subtle about it, either. And when he would glance at me, I’d smile. Then he would go back to eating, and I couldn’t figure out if he had seen me or not. This kinda went on all through dinner and dessert. I finally owned up to the idea that I would actually have to approach him, because I didn’t think he’d seen me and would come to me.
“All right,” I told Amy. “So here’s what I’m going to do. When he goes up for a beer, I am going to go up at the same time and stand at the bar and make conversation with him.” Amy nodded. “That’s a pretty good plan.” My thought process was this: I knew absolutely no one other than Amy at the wedding, and Amy didn’t even know the groom, much less the best man, so its not like we could strike up a conversation and have someone else introduce us. Plus, this way, I could get him semi-alone and not surrounded by people. BRILLIANT.
So I lay in wait for him. Which makes this sound like a Discovery Channel show, but seriously, how else would you describe it? FINALLY he heads up to the bar. “Here I go!” I tell Amy and walk up to the bar. I stand a bit behind him, and to the right. In my brain, he’d simply turn around, see me, I’d smile, and we would start talking. Something like this:
What REALLY happened was this:
Yeah. He got his beer and immediately turned to the left and walked back to his table. He literally did not see me standing there. I get my beer and walk back over to our table. Amy was laughing. “I can’t believe that.” I said. “Seriously, he didn’t even see me.” Amy said, “Well you can always try again.” I told he I was planning to.
So the next time he goes up alone for his beer, I make sure that I stand to his LEFT this time:
He gets his beer, and then…
This time he goes off to his RIGHT. ARGH. I get my beer, sit down, and Amy tells me, “You are like the worst flirter EVER.” I sighed and said, “I know. I suck at this.” Then, in words of comfort, she says, “Honestly, though, I don’t think he saw you either time. So its not like he was ignoring you. He just didn’t know you were there.” I don’t know if that was supposed to make me feel better or worse.
The rest of the night, I kept trying to catch his eye, and failing. By the end of the night, I pulled the “Help a sista out!” card.
Me: Okay, you have to do me a favor.
Amy: What’s that?
Me: You have to talk to your friend (the bride) and totally hook us up because apparently I suck.
Amy: Well.. I dunno..
Me: Okay, I’ll make ya a deal, you don’t have to do it for a week.
Amy: Well only because she won’t be at work for a week!
Me: Yeah, I know. So pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Amy: What should I say?
Me: Just 2 questions to her.. Is your best man single? And would he be interested in going on a blind date?
Amy: I… suppose…
Me: I’m totally going to pester you about this.
Amy: I know you will.
Me: So will you do it?
Amy: Okay, fine, but that’s it.
So fast forward a couple weeks. Amy and I are having lunch and she mentions an incident that happened at the reception after we left. I bring up the best man and she says, “Well I haven’t said anything yet.”
I said, “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease will you ask?” She sighed and then agreed.
I go back to my desk and a couple minutes later I get the following email from Amy:
So I asked. Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Ack. Give me both.
He is single, but…. he lives in Austin.
Yes. But my friend said we could totally hook you guys up via Facebook.
Sooooooooooooooooo yeah. Not only am I a terrible flirt, I apparently attempt to flirt with dudes who are unavailable to me.. either by distance or circumstance.
OMG its no wonder I am single.
I’m still trying, though!!
(And no word from Craig… most of my friends are disappointed! I have faith he will pop up again. He’s sort of like mold. You can scrub scrub and scrub, but the spores don’t always all go away!)