Monthly Archives: August 2009

An apology, where are they nows and douchekids! (My new favorite word!)


All right, all right, I know. BAD BLOGGER! BAD! Someone needs to flick me on the nose and kennel me until I behave! Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. It has apparently been 2+ months since my last dating confession. I promise to say a few sweetened and condensed prayers to make up for it… Suddenly I am craving dessert. Note to self: Skinny Cow fudgesicle the SECOND I am done with this post!

All right so first come the excuses, then come the updates. Fair enough? Although I suppose technically they could go hand in hand.

Excuse #1: I am in school full time this semester. In order to graduate a term early, I decided to go full time over the summer, which means instead of 2 classes, I’m taking 3. Normally, that seems pretty simple, but my three classes were: Peachtree Accounting, Business Ethics (by the way, funny story about that class that I will get to at the end of the post…), and Advanced Taxes for Corporations. NOT FUN. So between working a full time job, a part time job and full time school, yours truly had little gas left in her tank. Which leads us into excuse #2…

Excuse #2: I apparently decided to buy a house. Yep. Just one day decided, ‘Hey, let’s make an offer on this townhouse I’ve been eyeing for 3+ months.’ And within 48 hours, it was a done deal. I have been stressing out over every little aspect of this thing. People who know me know I sometimes obsess over details. I need to be sure I have 100% of my ducks in a row before I can take a deep breath and relax. Some of you can attest that I was agonizing over a frigging shower curtain for a month or so before I finally found one I fell in love with. (Thanks, Target! Although, I think that may be the only time I have ever paid $35 for ANYTHING at Target.) For those of you who are curious, pics are slowly but surely going up on my Facebook page. Please be sure to comment on how lovely and awesome my electric green bathroom is. My mom keeps telling me that I need to put up one of those radioactive symbols on the door & hang some shades on the wall so people can use them while peeing and no be blinded. HAHAHAHAHA. No, wait. NYAH!

So there you have it. Those 4 things have pretty much kept me off the dating marketing. Though there HAVE been some blips on the radar. Nothing DEFCON 1, but there have been a few DEFCON 3’s, a DEFCON 4, and someone who has dropped to DEFCON 21321854987, just by text messages alone. And that’s all of the shitty military analogies I can come up with right now. Give me time, though.. I’ll work some more in.

Shall we get started?

Let’s get updated on some prior gentlemen, shall we? (By the way, I just opened my page to look at it so I can see where I left off, and I totally forgot that I changed my color scheme. I love it! Although, I would LOVE for someone to help me design a custom template for my blog *COUGH COUGH*)

Okay, again, here we go with some “Where Are They Now?” updates:

1) Asian guy with guns (subliminal military reference #1): You know, I haven’t heard back from him in a couple months. Oddly enough, it was a week or so after my hemming and hawing post about him. Which makes me wonder if he’s one of those dudes who googles himself and ran cross my post. “Hmmm… I wonder what people are saying about me today… let’s open Google… okay what should I put in… hmmm… Asian with big guns… okay, skip over the weird anime porn… hmmm.. I’m too young to be associated with WWII… what’s this? Eyes up here? OH MY GOD!” That’s how I picture it in my head anyways. I’m sorry Asian guy! I thought your arms were nice!

2) No Teacher emails. He still logs on gtalk and taunts me, quietly, though.

3) Video Store Jesus is no more. I keep getting IM’s from him on Yahoo when I log on though, that are really weird. They are totally random. Things like: “Oh yeah?” and “I don’t know, what about you?” Which makes me wonder if he really IS Jesus and was responding via Yahoo to a conversation I was having inside my head. Can’t be though. I keep picturing Dante from Clerks. If it was Randall, he might have a shot.

4) Pilot is… ummmmmmm… still crazy. Not that anyone needs any more proof than my prior postings about him, but just for shits and giggles, let’s just say you’re not thoroughly convinced, ok? So we’re talking one night and he tells me that his ex’s new boyfriend has threatened to kill his son. I’m like “Wha?” He tells me that his former fiancé (who, by the way, he was engaged to like less than a year ago…) has this new boyfriend who is a real dick. She’s apparently been calling pilot a bunch, asking for his help to get away from him, etc. pilot, being the nice (i.e. stupid) guy that he is, is falling for it. Well douchebag bf finds out that they’ve been talking and the girl denies it, says its Pilot harassing her. He calls Pilot, tells him to leave her alone, they get into a shouting match and douchebag bf threatens to hurt Pilot’s family. Which Pilot takes as a direct threat to kill his son. Now, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, so maybe the guy was serious, who knows. I doubt it, but again.. who knows. Pilot seems to surround himself with crazies. So, what’s Pilot’s thoughts on the appropriate response to all this? He decides that he is going to invite some of his Army buddies over one night, tell them what this guy “said” about his son, and then call douchebag bf, goad him into coming over so Pilot can claim he was trespassing, and then Pilot and his Army buddies would beat the shit out of this guy. Yes. Definitely the most appropriate response in this situation. Jesus Christ. (Maybe I should start counting religious references, too…)

Okay, so now onto the new guys! Actually, 1 new guy for this post. There are 3 total, but I’m going to split it up into 2 separate posts, just for length’s sake. So this post will have 4 updates (see above) and 1 new guy post. Next post will have 2 new guy posts and any updates that are necessary. Got that? Math is hard.

So here we go with new guy update #1:

I referenced Jason in my very last post (he is #3). We decided to meet. Its one of those weird connection type things where you just HAVE to meet. I mean, its in the stars. Its one of those, if we don’t, what if..? scenarios. So after trying to freaking coordinate our schedules, we decided to say fuck it, and do the cheesy ass Starbucks date after work. And not just Any Starbucks. No, one inside a Barnes and Noble. We are some classy cats, mind you! I suppose, in retrospect, that was a good idea, though. Especially for me, Ms. Always Early All The Time Everywhere. I was able to grab a book and get my grande low cal (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. sorry, that just always makes me giggle. My drink has 1/3 less calories if I get the low cal version. Which means instead of 3000 calories, it only has 2000) java chip frappucino, double blended with no whipped cream. It’s a godsend, lemme tell you.

Mmmmm. Note to self: Remember note to self from above.

Okay so back to Jason. We decide to meet at Starbucks. I get there early, grab some book that had some stupid list about improving your life, and begin to read. He walks in about 15 minutes later, kinda looks at me sideways. We do that ocular “Are you… who… I think you might be…?” dance, before I smile and say, “Hey you!” Praying to God I am right. (Religious reference alert! I should make my own blog drinking game.)

He walks up and gives me a hug then proceeds to order coffee. COFFEE. PLAIN COFFEE at a Starbucks. Gotta love that. He sits down across from me and we start talking. Mainly about the douchekids working behind the counter who can’t seem to get orders right. In the span of 15 minutes, they screwed up like 4 people’s orders. Which in retrospect probably means my drink wasn’t low cal. SON OF A…

So then we start talking about work and how nervous we were to meet and stuff. And honestly, I was still nervous when I met him. I am going to warn you now, this will not be my best retelling of a dating story because my tummy was in butterflies, and I was nervous, and I wasn’t my usual chatty self. I KNOW. Can you believe it?? I was THAT nervous. I always am when I meet someone that I have a great spark with. I get worried that won’t translate into anything in person. (Ahem, SEE TEACHER and see AWESOME MAKE OUT GUY WHO ADORED ME BUT WHO NEVER CALLED ME BACK… AKA MOTHER FUCKER ASSBAG.)

So we finish our coffees after an hour or so (See? I told you.. I AM LAME!) and we walk outside. He walks me to my car and we’re standing there, both saying how much we enjoyed meeting one another, and how we were going to have more dates, even if our scheduled only allowed B&N Starbucks dates. Then He leans in to hug me. I hug him back and we held it for a long second. Then I pulled away and he says, “Oh come here,” and wraps his arm around my waist, pulls me in and gives me a kiss. I was all giddy. I swear to God (religious reference! Drink!) I Cameron Diaz giggled when I pulled away. So we stand there for anotherrminute or two, saying our goodbyes. And he says, “I’m going to kiss you again.” And he did. WOOT! HAHAHAH. I was Cameron Diaz grinning when I left. AND THAT”S A BIG ASS GRIN, FOLKS.

So since then, he and I have stayed in touch. A lot of emails and IM’s going back and forth. Between my 2 excuses above, and his wonky work schedule, though, we haven’t managed to meet back up yet. But its definitely in the cards. Or in the lattes. Or the frappucinos. Or whatever the douchekid decides to whip up.

Okay, so yeah, see? LAME. EL EH EM EE. LAME. My mind goes blank when things go good. Which is PROBABLY why I remember all the bad stories so vividly. God I am still pissed at make out never call me back guy. FUCK HIM. Did I mention in a previous blog post that I saw him totally by accident in the mall awhile back? I think I did. I need to go back an reread my previous posts… no one wants to hear the same stories twice. Well, maybe they do. Lord knows I love telling them. (Religious reference! DRINK!)

Okay, so there’s you new guy (yay!) update for this post. I got 2 more coming in the next post. I’m running out of fake names to give them, so I am just going to start naming them by their characteristics, kinda like Pilot. In the next installment, we’ll discuss HOT GUY and MOTORCYCLE GUY. And I may have to give Motorcycle Guy a new name, just so people don’t get him confused with weird belly button protrusion stalker guy. I did NOT go out with him a second time. Obviously, because I’m still alive.

SO…. Next blog post will be up within the next day or two… I swear I won’t be so pokey anymore!