Texts are worth a thousand words…
So I decided to post this horrific date story in 2 parts. This first part comprises soley of the text messages that were exchanged back and forth between me and my friends (and a couple by date dude) this past Tuesday night. The next post will fill in the blanks. And believe me, you’re going to want them filled in.
ENJOY!
Parties involved:
Me: Me!
K: friend
N: friend
T: friend
M: friend
C: bartender friend who got me liquored up before I went (not liquored up enough)
B: My roomie
Date: Date guy
Starting time: 6:30. Well, we were supposed to meet at 6:30, but as you can see from the first text….
Me: He is going to be 30 min late. This does not bode well
Me: Omg theres a short mexican dude here. I hope its not him. Is that bad? He didnt look mexican. Tho mex guys love chix with big boobs…
Date: I here.
Me: Oh shit i think its the mex dude. He is texting me from the other side of the bar. What to do, what to do.
Me: Hes here eep
K: Run motherfucker run
Me: I am in the bathroom right now. Omg he keeps talking about what w have in common. Like what? Felony convictions? He seems nice, just too redneck for me
K: OMG I’m laughing my ass off in a subdued manner
Me: Apparently his bro just got out of prison yesterday
K: OMG do I need to call ur ass! Step away from the convict! Send me a pic of him
Me: He has beautiful eyes.. But too many prison tats. Scabs on his face.
K: Wtf. Srsly tell him ur cojoined twin has just broke up with her boyfriend and needs u home stat
Me: Ok so apparently his grandpa was a nazi. and his brother is hooked on valium
K: R u makin this shit up!?!?!????
N: Today is the 70 year anniversary of world war II. Sounds like a great family. HEIL!
N: Hooked on drugs? NOT something you admit on the first date
Me: No i swear
Me: I am so torn. He has prison tats and hates bon jovi. But he as pretty eyes and smells good. And he pees fast. Like so fast i cant send a text in the time hes gone
N: Meth addicted convict or nice smelling guy with great eyes. I can see the problem. NOT. Do not get on his bike. Whatever you do.
Me: He just bought a hot tub for 2000 cash maybe he is loaded
K: I doubt that. Fake gold doesn’t mean he has $
K: Drug $
T: what does he do for a living?
N: Where does he work?
Me: His last girlfriend was 18
N: And he is how old? Run away!
T: run forest run
Me: I am in the bathroom right now. Omg hes really into me. Can you blame him? I have nice boobs. But argh i cant do this. PRISON TATS, PEOPLE.
K: I give up. R u gonna have sex with him?
T: How old is he?
Me: He is 33. He just went to pee. I am hoping to be out of here at 9. He pees like fucking capt america. Hes coming back already. Holy fuck
K: Holy fuck woman!!!! Ur a real live jerry springer episode.
K: U asked for this. He needs a sugar mama
Me: So apparently his convict brother wants me to set him up with friends of mine
K: NOT IT
T: I will hurt you sooooo bad
N: Oh that is hilarious
Me: So im siting here having a nice time and suddendly the words ‘mucus plugs’ comes up in conversation. Nice
Me: He just leaned his chin on my shoulder. Ack
Me: Ok so hes gettting mad that i madefriends w other ppl here. He went pee and isaid to them omg plz keep talking to me. This guy is so not my type
Me: Now they are buying me free drinks to help me cope. Yay!
B: i just lost my match. i played horribly
Me: Omg plz come down. I can get you free booze
Me: He just touched my face and called me angelcakes
K:*vomit* rly?
C: Angelcakes!
T: lol. so I guess that means the date is over.
Me: Omg he keeps touching me
B: Where are you at/going?
Me: Johnnys. Dude he fucking tried to kiss me. Get down here now
K: Just leave
Me: Nooo B is coming to rescue me. Freedrinks!
N: Good for B. Don’t drive crazy girl
Me: No he keeps trying to whisper in my ear
N: I believe it’s time to go then
T: tell him you need to go
K: Leave. Ur not one to take this shit.
K: No more dates on Tuesday
M: Well you made it past 9 so you can officially say you gave it a shot
After he left for home:
Date: I no this fisrt thing was week if u dont want me i understand
Oh yeah.. you’ll want to wait for the details.
Shannon said,
September 3, 2009 at 8:46 pm
My fiance has prison tats.
But he got the heart with a dollar sign inside covered up and changed into a heart around an “S” with an arrow though it! If I was this guy, I would not date you again for the simple fact you were texting through the whole date!
Eyes Up Here said,
September 4, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Well here’s the thing with the texting during the date…
1) Normally, I wouldn’t EVER do it. I think its rude when people do it to me. However, at this point, with this guy, he was pissing me off. He wouldn’t stop touching me, he kept trying to kiss me, even though I kept saying, “Nononononono.” I figured texting people would piss him off and he’d get mad & leave. Not so much. Didn’t even phase him.
2) Those texts were from a 3+ hour period, so I wasn’t texting every single second of the date. It was pretty spread out. I tried to sneak them in when I was in the bathroom, or when he stepped away from the bar. But again, he peed like Superman and only took like 30 seconds. Which multiple friends of mine have the same theory about that…
And Shanny, your fiance’s prison tats sound a lot better than this dude’s.
I trust your judgement on your guy.. this guy? Not so much!
Heidi said,
September 3, 2009 at 9:35 pm
OMG – I can’t wait for the rest of this!!! What the hell – how were you able to do all of that texting?
Eyes Up Here said,
September 4, 2009 at 12:29 pm
See my comments about the texting below
K said,
September 3, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I’m still laughing my ass off.
Erin said,
September 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm
JEEZ. Where do you find these guys?? LOL
Elizabeth said,
September 6, 2009 at 1:44 am
Angelcakes? wow.
wendeworld said,
September 15, 2009 at 1:43 am
Just color me stunned. These experiences make me think single isn’t such a bad state. I can’t wait for…the rest of the story.
heathertrix said,
October 1, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I’m still laughing over the angelcakes, angelcakes!
*puts her chin on your shoulder*
*bats her eyelashes*